It's Christmas time again!

Luke 2:7 "and she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn."

I just love this verse.  It is one of the many, many  verses from the Bible I love.  God gave us his son Jesus as a baby.  He lived as us, was tempted and experienced death just like us.  I celebrate many things this year as it comes to a close, but I mostly celebrate what God has given me.  He has given me an appreciation for life.  I don't take anything for granted anymore and I hope I will never forget this past year.
Yes I love everything good and bad in life, and I hope I find good in the things that are not so good. Like yesterday when I "helped" Erin clean out her closet!!  What a great time I got to spend with her.  Spending time with Tyler taking him shopping for him to get his sister a present. Just laying in bed with Rob and just talking about our day.  Simple things in life that we don't really think about but are a big part of our lives.

I have learned to really trust God in all things and lean on him.  In return, He has given me abundance of joy, love and happiness throught out all the trials, sickness and exhaustion these last 6 months. My God has been true to me and I have surely felt loved.

So in this Christmas holiday, do not forget why we have a holiday, to celebrate Jesus and his birth and what he has given us, His life.
Happy Birthday to Jesus and Merry Christmas to you all

Love to all,

not again!

Yup, and I ask, why?? Why am I sick again?? This time it is worse though.  Fever (101), chills, cough, rudolph nose, sore throat annnnd I sound like a frog!  UGGG.
Well, I was able to spend time catching up on the news.  What a time to catch up with the school shooting.  Lots of prayers said yesterday. I wanted to hug and snuggle on my kids but since I am sick, I have coodies so no snuggle.
I went to doctor and got put back on an antibiotic again. But I also got some awesome cough medicine out of it!!
I have finished a full week of radiation and starting to get a little sun burn, kinda like when it tingles some when you know the burn is coming.  I have this lotion that is suppose to help with the physical, skin side affects.  I sure do hope it works.  I have 25 more treatments.
Well as I posted earlier this week, it was horrible. The treatments are getting a little better and I am starting to know the techs and that helps.  I feel like a person now, not just a sick person with cancer.
I was talking with my dad today and he said that many people are commenting on my blog and how they love reading it and it is encouraging.  Thank you God for that reassurance.  I wasn't to sure about this when I started, but my goal is to bring something positive out of something bad.  And to help me along the way too. It has been a very bumpy, emotional ride the last few months, but I have become a changed woman throughout this.  Changed in a positive way, loving life, looking for the good in people, more loving to others.

Psalms 30:5, " For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Love to all,

WOW.

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is Faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."  1 Corinthians 10:13

I believe this verse has helped me this week, Monday.  The temptation was feeling scared, out of control, humiliation.  But God gave me my way out....my friends and all their positive encouragement and love.
I had my first radiation treatment Monday.  WOW. No exclamation mark.  Just a (.). The techs can do their job well.  But treating the patient, well not so good.  That patient was me.
I was called back to the area from the waiting room by an intercom.  When I got to the treatment area, there was no one to tell me where to go or what to do.  So I just wandered around until I figured it out.  When I got dressed in those wonderful hospital gowns, I had to sit and wait for them to HOLLAR my name.
Then when I was lead into the big radiation room.  I guess I wasn't working fast enough to take off my gown, because they "helped" me.  I felt like I was being stripped. I had to lay on a small table, exposed, while these 2 techs (thank you God for letting them be women!) walked around me, marking on my chest with markers, touching me, moving me around the table, like no big deal.  Very humiliating!  I now know how my patients feel when they show up in the ICU and us nurses are taking off their clothes to put on a hospital gown and not thinking anything of it.  I bet I have had many patients that feel this way.  WOW.
Well I got through it and through today.  No side effects yet.  The nurse said that I wouldn't start feeling the tired feeling until around the 15th treatment.  It is a cumulative effect.  So I have 2 down and 28 more to go.
Fun times ahead!
What I am learning, a big life lesson, being a patient on the other side of healthcare.  Compassion, treating the patient, not the illness, understanding.  This is what I need, and what other patients need.  Give them privacy, if they are able, let them keep their "lucky" shirt on, and no modesty isn't gone just because you are sick or in the hospital.  It is very hard to be a patient, and I am not a very good one!

Love to all,

It's a wonderful life!

I just love this time of year!  Everyone is so happy and friendly, willing to help others.
My girls in the girl scout troop gave money to donate for items for the Simon house in Frankfort.  It is a house that helps homeless women and their children get back on their feet.
My church was able to put together 130 shoe boxes for the operation Christmas child.  It is so awesome to see this kind of generosity.  I just wish it would last all year, all the time.

Well, I went out today shopping and I wore my wig!! Really having a hard time getting use to it.  I guess I am so use to seeing myself with out hair, that having hair is something new now.  Who would have known.  Now that my hair is slowly starting to grow back, I figure I should get me and everyone else use to seeing me with it.  Well, while I was out today, no one looked at me funny or said anything about my hair.  I think that is great, so I guess my wig looks natural. (I'm hoping).

I start my radiation treatments Monday Dec 10th.  I go everyday (M-F) for 30 treatments.  I am hoping to get it all done by Jan 23rd.  That is if I don't miss any.

So everyone is asking how am I doing. I am doing great.  I am slowly getting back to normal I think.  I mean, I don't feel sick and hopefully I can ward off the tiredness when the radiation starts. I am exercising and trying to get a routine down.  I feel much better.  Thank you for asking.

I am keeping the faith and trusting in Jesus that he will pull me through the tough times ahead and I will rejoice when I don't have any!!

My verse of the day is this:
"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17

the rabbit didn't die!

OK you are wondering, "what on earth are you talking about Autumn"!! Well I will be happy to tell you that I am not pregnant. Hmm, you may be thinking, what on earth why would you say this!!

Well I went today for my radiation markings.  The nurse says, we first have to check to make sure you are not pregnant.  I could have told her that!! God help me if I am pregnant at 45!!

So I went today and got marked, with purple marker! yea at least it is a cool color. HA.
So here is the scoop.  I laid in the CT scanner, got a CT of the chest, then these really cool green laser lights shined on me and the tech traced the lasers lights on my chest.  So I have purple lines all over!!  (and NO Micheal, you can't see the cool marker lines!!) Doesn't look cool but I will be like this for 6 wks.  If all goes well, my 30 treatments will be done on Jan 23rd.

One good thing, I was told not to lose more than 10 pounds because it can alter the lines for my radiation.  Whew!! the pressure is off and I have at least another month before I have to get down and dirty on my exercise and diet.  So I will have to wait on getting back to my "normal" weight until after Christmas. I guess that gives me an excuse to go buy an outfit to wear!!

1 Samuel 16:7, "But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him.  For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."" 
So right now concentrate on my heart, ignore my bald head and overweight body.  Note:  MY HAIR IS STARTING TO GROW BACK!! WHOOT WHOOT.

Picture for laughs:  I can always count on my friend Missy to keep me in line and keep my head high and laughter in my heart!  Just look at that awesome car!! Yup that's what I'm talking about!!

Love to all,

getting fit is not so easy

I thought the other day that it was about time that I got down and dirty and get myself and my body back in a  good frame and shape of mind.  You know I have been told that if you exercise it will actually keep you in a good mindset.  So on Monday I decided to start again.
Now remember, about 2 1/2 months ago I was running on the treadmill.  Well to my disappointment, I was able, yes able, to walk on the treadmill for 15 minutes to reach my peak heart rate!!
My mindset?? still in question.

What's up with this??? I say.  Man, the discouragement I felt when I was done with that 15 minutes.  But I got back on it today and did it again.  I have to keep telling myself that I have to start somewhere, and this is that somewhere.

So pretty soon, I will be back to my old self and fit back into my clothes!!  I didn't want to believe it when others said I would gain weight with chemo.  I believe it now!!  20 pounds later.  And thanks to all my friends for telling me how great I look and I don't look like I have gained weight.  It kept me from feeling so bad about myself. I even had a friend tell me I looked "hot" being bald!! She is such a funny person!! HA

So now that I am done with chemo and all the sickly feelings that come with it, I am ready for a new beginning!! a new start for the new year.  A start for being healthy, not wasting any time, just spending my time with my friends, family and God. A time of not feeling bad, but feeling good about life and back to my running circles around everyone life.
I have seen everyone's thankful list this month. I haven't started one, but I would like to list my top 10:
1. Jesus, my Savior
2. Bible, it keeps giving me great advice and knowledge
3. Rob, the most wonderful husband
4. Erin and Tyler, my amazing kids
5. my family and friends, the best support I can have
6. health, my life
7. my awesome job
8.  my doctors who have great compassion
9. facebook, this kept me connected with everyone while I was down and it still does!
10. good drugs (aka phenergan!)

So there's my list this year. Now off to clean the house with the kiddos to get ready for tomorrow's holiday.

1 Thessalonians 5:18, "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you".

Love to all,

my normal life

Well I have taken my last chemo treatment last Tuesday.  And all I have to say is THANK GOD IT IS OVER!!!!  I don't think I can go through another week of feeling nauseous, sick and tired all the time.  I still am feeling sick now, but I am feeling a little better.  I am so glad my treatment wasn't over Thanksgiving holiday.  That would be a real bummer!!

So now, the next step in my recovery is radiation.  I go on the 27th to get marked then set up my schedule for treatments.  Dr. Cornett said I won't get sick, just feel tired, but Dr. Hargis also said I could still work while taking chemo and we all know how that went.  I will just have to see how it goes when I start it.

So here is what I am looking forward to, not being sick from chemo or taking this stupid chemo:
1. I want my normal life back.  At least some sort of normal.  I am ready for it.  I had to cancel my girl scout meeting last Thursday because of being sick.  You know I love my scouts!!!!  I hated to do that.  We will be getting together soon and having some normal fun!!
2. I want to take communion at church every Sunday
3.  I want to not be sick all the time
4. I want to not be in bed all the time
5.  I want to go shopping!!
6. I want to spend time with my husband and not plan around chemo symptoms
7. I want to have time with my kids and not be sick
8.  I don't want to be stuck with needles
9. I am ready to eat and not feel nauseous or have a bad taste in my mouth
10.  I AM READY TO BE ME!! TO GET BACK TO THE AUTUMN EVERYONE KNOWS!!

So throughout all of this so far, I have been taught a very big lesson and I am still learning.  To rely on God, not on me or others, but on God.  To trust  in him to provide, to get me through this illness, to support me and to carry me when I am at my lowest.  And I have been carried alot in the last  4 months.  I hope God is doing his workouts, because I have a feeling I will still need some carrying.

2 Corinthians 1:9, "Indeed, we felt that we have received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead."
And indeed he has raised me from the dead!!

Love to all,

Part two

Tomorrow will the beginning of the next step of my family's trials and experience with cancer.
Part one ends on November 13th with my very last chemo treatment. Have I said how much I am looking forward to this day.  It is marked and will be a day of celebration, (but the celebrations will be held off til the week after so I can eat my cake!!)
Part two: Tomorrow I go and see the radiologist Dr. Cornett to see when I am going to start radiation.
So it looks like I will be starting the radiation the 1st of December.  I hope to find out what the plan is and a more better timetable of what is going to happen.  You know I have to have all my ducks in a very good row!!

So for now, I am getting over being sick, still have a cough though.
I actually have been able to get out of the house this weekend and enjoy some time with my family.  I am hoping to plan a trip to IKEA next weekend!!  We will soon see how that goes.

This month has alot of going on.  The second bestest thing of Novemeber 2012, MY BIRTHDAY!!  I used to not look forward to birthdays, but everything that has happened to me has taught me to love each day God gives me and to live it to the fullest and to God's glory.  Life is short and I have so much to say!!

1Timothy 1:12, "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service."

PS:  Gerri, you are in my prayers and thoughts this week and you begin your journey.  Stay positive and keep your eyes upward.

Love to all,

The other side...

Well, I still find it difficult for me to wrap my head and mind about me being on the other side of healthcare.  Me, a patient.  It sucks big time!!  I am not happy about it. And when I don't feel good, I really don't like it.

Yesterday, I had to go to the ER.  I developed a sore throat and cough and thought I was getting sick due to my chemo and counts being down the week before. So I called the MD and got the nurse practitioner and she said I needed to to go to the hospital to get checked out. So I called  mom and she came and got me and took me to Suburban Hospital. I thought when I called the MD they would just call in a scrip for antibiotics.  NOOOOOOO, I had to drive in town to be seen when I wasn't feeling good at all.
And to top it off, I was dupped up on phenergan, hence mom driving me.

So Suburban people are nice. I can't complain, they took care of me.  I had to repeat my story many times about my chemo, nausea, (which were normal due to my treatment that week).  I wonder why people just don't read what is written down instead of asking over and over the same questions already asked by someone else.  But I kept on repeating the story, "I just had my 5th treatment this week for breast cancer."  "Yes this nausea is normal and it happens every time".  " No I haven't had any fevers."  "Yes I feel like crap".
"The nurse practitioner sent me here for tests." " My blood work and counts were down last week."
I think I repeated all this at least 3 times if not more.

So the ER MD ordered tests. I got lab work, which turned out ok, counts down but ok.  I got a chest xray, which was good, no pneumonia.  I also got a rapid strept test.  WOW!!  being nauseated and getting your throat swabbed doesn't work to well.  I almost, yes I am that good, almost puked when she swabbed my throat!! No puke came.  I really hate to puke.  It is the worse feeling.  I have been trying not to since my last treatment (#4) and this treatment (#5) it has come really close.  So I have a feeling puke will make scene at the next and last treatment.
Oh, sorry, got off on a tangent. My strept swab came back negative.
So they released me. and guess what my diagnosis was on discharge......SORE THROAT!  WHAT???!%%

I could have told him that, oh wait, I DID!!  So he sent me home with cough suppressant script. Whatever!

So I still have my cough, and it is in my chest and I can't lay down because all I want to do is cough.  I hardly have a voice, which Rob will say is a good thing!! HA.
So I have said my rant and my peace.  It sucks being sick. I am not liking it still, and will never accept this.  I try to stay positive, but it can be hard as I have said before.  As this comes to an end in the next few weeks, I find that I am caving into all the symptoms of this chemo.  ONLY ONE MORE!! And hopefully no more ER visits.

Psalms 41:6 "The Lord sustains them (me) on their sickbed and restores them (me) from their (my) bed of illness"
My God will make me well!

Love to all,

observation in the waiting room

As I was waiting to be called back for my chemo treatment on Tuesday, it was more busy than normal.  I noticed ladies and some men, and they looked really sickly.  I am thinking, wow do I look like that??
The ladies all had their hats or scarves on like me but the look on their face, just looked bad. 
I hope I don't look like that, even when I don't feel good.

I hope that when I feel bad, like tonight and I am sure the rest of the week, that it doesn't show to much on my face.  I want others to see me in the good and not the bad. I will keep my bad at home.

So as I try to get through these last few treatments, I will try to keep my smile on and my head up.  I will try not to get snippy or take it out on everyone, (maybe hehe).  I am going to try to keep daily life normal as I can with all of this going on.

2 Cointhians 4:6: " Let light shine out of darness, made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ."

Love to all,

forgiveness

OK, I feel compelled to write today after church.  I got my word today from God from my Pastor Andy.
He said "we are to be the aroma of Christ."

Question:  Do I smell like Christ??
Answer:  Well I thought I did, but here is how you tell.  Are you patient, gracious, loving FORGIVING?
Well I fail in the last one, forgiving. (I'm sure I am not totally 100% good with the others too).  When I say I'm sorry, am I sorry in my heart or just in my words.

I was talking with my mom last night about some things and a certain person and I told her I forgave this person.  But did I really?  Did I just say the words and not forgive in my heart?
I know now.  My answer is no I don't smell like Christ. People will say to me, I can hear it now, Yes you do.  You are a witness through your sickness.  Others tell me that I am a witness by my strength and positive attitude with my cancer and treatment. But this is just one part of my life, not my whole life.  I need to recognize my faults and try to make them better.  I am human I know, and my God knows this.  This is why he teaches me these little lessons everyday. I realized today that I am still bitter in my heart for this person.  I prayed, hard, for God to take this from me and for me to be really be forgiving.  So far he is still working on me, but nevertheless, it is slowly going away.  I can't say that I am bitter now, just my human side wants to hang on to it.  You know we all like a little drama!  I am sure at some point I will be able to say with all my heart, I'm sorry.

So as I go about my daily life, I want the aroma of Christ to be on me. I want others to see and "smell" Christ. I pray that I am salt and light to this world, to the people who see me and those I see and talk too.
The Bible says some will receive my witness and others will reject it.  But I need to have ALL the qualities of Christ, not just the ones that I want and think are easier.  God never said it would be easy, in fact, He said it would be hard.  People will reject me and curse me.  Not an easy thing to take, but I know what I have in the END.
As I pray, I ask God to forgive me and to  help me forgive.  As I say it, I need and want to mean it in my heart.

2 Corinthians 2: 15 -17: For we are the AROMA OF CHRIST to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life.  Who is sufficient for these things?  For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God's word, but as me of SINCERITY, as COMMISSIONED BY GOD, in the sight of God we SPEAK IN CHRIST.

Love to all,

sing and praise in this world of sadness

So I have been following on facebook about Lane Goodwin.  Well for those who don't know him, he was a 13 yr old that had cancer.  If you followed them on facebook, his mom would post about his progress with childhood cancer, her trials, his trials, and pictures of him.
As she posted pictures, as a nurse, I could just watch and see that he was loosing his battle with cancer.
As a mom, I could not even imagine having to go through loosing one of my children.
It helps me understand what my parents may be going through with me.  Even though I am (cough) 44  yrs old, I am still their child.  So it must be hard for them to watch their "baby girl" deal with sickness even though I AM GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!

I pray that the Goodwin family has peace now, and for them to have strength to go on.  It looks like they have a lot of support.  I know I couldn't go through any of this with out my friends and family support.
So remember them in your prayers.  Even though he may be well known throughout the "facebook" family, there are many others dealing and surviving cancer of all ages.  My Mom is a 17 yr survivor of breast cancer, I am a 4 month survivor of breast cancer, granny Faye is a <1 month survivor of brain cancer and I can go on and on.
I am reminded of old hymns lately and one that stands out to me is "leaning on the everlasting arms". I can remember singing this in church when I was young but never really understood.  Now I can relate and understand it and it means so much more. "Leaning, Leaning, safe and secure from all alarm.  Leaning, Leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms."
Oh now my mind is just singing away.  Another favorite I just got reconnected with at Beth Moore conference is (and sing with me if you want), "Victory in Jesus, my Savior forever.  He sought me and bought me with his redeeming blood.  He loved 'ere I knew him and all my love is due him. He plunged me to Victory beneath the cleansing flood."
Praise Him!!

Love to all,

The race for the cure

Today I had the great opportunity to walk with some great women.  Not only women (and one man!! Ha) that I knew, but women who are going through and have been through breast cancer.  It is amazing how much this affects others and their families.
I walked but couldn't finish.  Sad that I am that out of shape, but that is what happens with this. I will never look at another person going through this type of treatment and think that they need to eat better or should be exercising.
I SHOULD BE DOING THESE THINGS!!  But the exhaustion of just doing your every day life takes hold of the tiredness, and the weight gain, well that comes from the drugs you are taking.  Sad, Sad, Sad.

Well there was a wave of pink at Irquois Park this morning and it was great.  To all the women and families that are going through this or may go through this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

Psalms 119:74: Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice, because I have hoped in your word.

I had the time of my life....

Well as the song goes, I had a great time at Orang Beach,AL.  It has been almost 10 yrs since Rob and I have taken time off and went somewhere. This was the perfect place.  Not to many people there. Beach quiet and relaxing. And Hot!. I got sunburned the first day and got razzed for it!. Well I got my revenge because Rob and Erin GOT BURNED!!! So bad for them because it was worse than mine.
When we went out for dinner the host ask us if we were from TN. We told him no KY and he said he thought it was north.  I guess the pale sunburned skin gave it away!
We are now on our way back to our normal life, back to work and school. I will remember these few days always. I already want to move there. I don't think it will happen though. Evidently you have to have alot of money to live there! Houses are 1.5 million!  Oh well I can dream.

love to all, 

vaaa-caaa!!

Day one on vaca!!! it is sooo amazing. We have been on the beach all morning and have seen some wonderous things.
1. a bird swooped down and picked a fish out of the ocean right in front of us!!
2. we saw dolphons!!
3. we saw a huge crab in the ocean and yes they do walk sideways
4. we saw a sting ray swim rught past our feet

God has blessed me so much with his wonderous world how can I complain??
I can't. so we are going to lunch now and I'm sure I will have lots to tell you later.

How great is our God!!
Love to all,

WOW, what a doozy!

Well this week has been a real treat, (hear the sarcasm yet??),  My treatment has really laid me up this week.I have experienced so much nausea that I came so close to puke. So much that I can't eat anything for fear of seeing my puke!  So much neuropathy in my hands, that I can hardly hold my water or rub Ty's back, so much in my feet and legs that I can't sit or lay still to relax or sleep.
Just the overwhelming feeling of not feeling good and life still has to go on.
I mean, I have so many that depend on me and I need to do things.  I mean I should say, I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS.  I don't want this cancer to take away the joys I have.

So I pressured through my girl scout troops halloween party on Thursday.  It was so much FUN!  These girls are the best.  They always give me a smile.  And as I promised, here is my princess costume....

So I look kinda normal.

Then on Friday, I pressured through taking the kids to their youth group bonfire.  No I didn't stay, but I had to pick them up to.  Erin's friend stayed the night at our house that night. And really after Igot home from picking them up from the bonfire, I don't remember much, I went to bed on phenergan, hoping I can get to sleep and not throw up.

Hey God, when I started this, I thought I asked to keep the nausea down some. Well HE did answer one request, no vomiting. (at least not yet).  So I know he does listen to me and answer my prayers.

So today has been a lay around the house on the couch, watching tv/movies day.  I did venture out with Erin to Penny's because she "needed" a new pair of shoes.  And while I am on my little shoe outing today, it seems that I am a magnet for people who want to take donations for breast cancer.  REALLY, do they not think that I already have given to the cause?? (just by the way I look??)  I guess not, because when I say no thank you, I already gave, they look at me like I am lying.  Whatever, they will never know what I am going through, and I don't have enough strength to take this battle.  AND our Susan G. Komen walk is next Saturday OCT 13th. I hope everyone can come.

I am starting to eat and hold it down, WHOO HOO!!  These big chemo weeks are getting worse and worse.  Thank goodness I only have 2 more.  DID YOU HEAR ME??? 2 MORE BIG ONES!!

So my strength comes from the LORD (and knowing I am going to be on the beach soon to relax!). 

So as I leave you today, 2 Samuel 22:2, "The lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer."  I know this trial will soon be over and another chapter in my life will begin.

Love to all, 

What is the deal with me??

Well I don't know what is going on with me.  You all know that when I started my treatments, how I felt about loosing my hair.  Then I got a wig and you all know how I felt about that.
Well now it seems that I have this fear of wearing this said wig.  I guess I am not sure what it will look like and the fear of what everyone will say.  Everyone is use to how I look with my scarves and I guess so am I.
A very lucky few have seen my bald head in person.
I think I freaked out my neighbor the other day when he came over. You see, when I am at home, I don't wear a hat, but when he came to the door, I just forgot about not having one on and his eyes got big.  It was then I realized he saw the head!
Do you want to  hear another funny thing?  Well every time I look in the mirror, it seems I shock myself at how I look.  I keep expecting hair and it just isn't there! I am so stupid sometimes!

Well I am going to brave wearing my wig.  I have chosen my first time in public to be Thursday at my girl scout meeting.  We are having our halloween party that night.  I know my girls will be kind to me and they laugh right with me. So I will have crazy costume pictures with my hair on.  Just to forewarn you, it is princess theme and we all will be wearing our princess outfits.  Ya know we can't wear them anywhere else so that night we can break out our tiara's and outfits.

I am also starting to get some nervousness about my treatment Tuesday.  It is a big chemo day.  It started this morning with an uneasy stomach.  I am just working myself up because I know how I will feel afterwards and the rest of the week.  It is like my life will be on hold after the treatment and I really hate that.  I am a go go go person and next week I will be laid up.  Not fun at all!  But I will be at the princess party FOR SURE!!!
I have 3 more treatments, I just have to keep positive and try not to let this get to me a little while longer.  My friend J is just starting her course to treat her breast cancer.  She had surgery last Wednesday and stills needs lots of prayer.
I have to keep reminding myself of what is said in Phillipians 4: do not be anxious about anything.  Well that is kinda hard but I will keep trying!!

At least I will be over feeling sick by Oct 13th.  You say what is Oct 13th??  It is the Susan G. Komen race for the cure!!  I will be walking with my teammates.  Our team is called outstanding faith.  We will be walking in  honor of the women in our life that has been affected with breast cancer.  If you want to support me or join my team, there is still time.  Go to http://louisville.info-komen.org and click on the tab komen race for the cure, then click the drop down "donate".  Then click donate to participant or team on the left, then type in my name: Autumn Chapman (just in case you didn't know!!),  my team is outstanding faith.  I know that without money or funds, there would be no trials or new drugs to treat this cancer.  The treatment that I am receiving right now isdirectly from a trial that was done.  They continue to trial meds and treatments for the different kind of breast cancer.  The only way they can is with funds like from races like this one.  You never know when it will touch your life.  It came out of no where for me and my friend J.

So keep praying for me and that my stupidity doesn't get the best of me and that I stay strong.
Love to all,

a rainy day

Today is a wonderful rainy day!! As I sit here in my chemo treatment, I am looking out the window at all the rain God is sending us today.

It was a long drive today with all the traffic and then I think they forgot about me in the waiting room and had to wait extra long.  With all this frustration, of course my blood pressure was up on my pre checks.  The tech asks if I have any stress, well what do you think??? HA
Then when my nurse tries to draw my blood from my port, it starts to act up and not want to give us blood.  I am thinking, what is going on today.  Then I say to myself, devil go away.  You are not going to make this day a bad day!!
So now I sit here looking out my window and thinking about how it is going to be wonderful day.
It is so hard for me to get down and think so negative.  But I have to keep reminding myself that it could always be worse.  And I am sure some people look at me and say that to themselves too!!  I get in the pity party and say why me??  Then I think, why not me.  why not?? I wish it wasn't me, but why not??  God has a way of kicking you in the butt and telling you it is His way not mine.  As I have said before, He uses those who are weak to show others that He is strong.  I am a weak one, that's for sure!!
I am so lucky to be alive and have people who love me.
So the song playing in my ears is Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave.  It is awesome and reminds me that God has redeemed me and set me free. I am changed and made new in Christ. Anything I ask of God, he listens and will answer.
1 John 5:14-15: "And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that is we ask anything according to his will he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him."
This is God's promise. I take comfort in everything He tells me.  I am growing in my faith and trust but I know God will never leave me.

Love to all

Over the HUMP....

Well I had my 3rd of 6 BIG chemo treatments last week.  So I am half way through them!! Can I hear a whoot whoot!.
It appears that the side affects are going to be different each time.  This past week I was so nauseous, close to puking.  I just stayed in my drug induced coma-like state til Monday.  Then as soon as they started it was over.  I just wish the "being tired all the time" feeling would go away at some point.
So mark your calendars:
The date of my last BIG chemo is Nov 13th!!  I see the radiologist Dr. Cornett on Nov 5th to determine when I start my radiation treatments.  It looks like they will start sometime the first of December.

So the things I know to expect will happen on my big chemo weeks are:
nausea, GI upset, no appetite, mouth hurting, food tastes bad, sleep all the time from taking phenergan, my body swelling up.

Things I know I can count on:
Rob there loving me
Tyler rubbing my swollen hands and sore back
Erin singing and making me laugh (and sometimes giving me a hard time! HA)
My church helping us out with dinner
My family calling and encouraging me
My friends keeping positive thoughts in my mind
And the most important thing is that my God will never leave me.

Thank you all for everything you are doing for me. The cards, prayers, encouragement doesn't go unnoticed and is very much appreciated. 
So I have 2 weeks until I have another treatment, so I need to enjoy it while I can, the feeling normal part I mean.

So another promise I leave you with:
Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Love to all,

The new me!!

OK so me and mom went shopping last week and I got a new wig.  I know I was saying that I would not wear them.  But...
We took those wigs I bought on line (which is a mistake for any of you out there wanting one, go to a store!), to The Wig Shoppe in Louisville off of Hurstborne Lane. The lady who helped me was so awesome.  I can't say enough about her.  She made me feel so good about myself.

First she said, let me see your wigs.  She wasn't too happy that I bought them online.  The first one, she didn't even wait, she just popped it off my head and said, this one is not you. ( I have not even met her before this day!)
The second one, she tried to work with but I just didn't like how it looked or felt on my head.  I told her I was a scarf girl.

So she had me try on one wig of hers just to feel the difference.  And there was a difference but I just couldn't get past that these were wigs.  I feel that when I walk out of the house with it on, everyone will know I have a wig on.  So she brought out the scarves.  They are so pretty.  And feel good to wear.  I got 2!!
But before I left, she wanted me to try on another wig.  I am sure it was the saleswoman in her!!  But, once I put it on, it looked so natural, similar to what my hair looked like before, just without all the spiky hair in the back.  So I got it!! Or I should tell you, my daddy got it for me!!  YES...I AM A DADDY'S GIRL!!  So what's it to ya!!  you can laugh all you want, but I have the best parents in the world!
And while I am on parents, my second set of parents, my in-laws (which are not really like in-laws but closer) are awesome too.  I am lucky to have them in my life!!

So I guess I will get to really good part that you all have been waiting for, the picture.  So here it is:

So what do you all think??? I like, so if you don't, I won't sweat it because it is what I think is what matters!! HA.  I sent back the other 2 ugly wigs.

So my verse today is my favorite all time verse I want to share with you.  I picked it because I feel good today and I am soaring on wings of eagles!!
Isaiah 40: 28-31; "Do you not know? Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the if the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives STRENGTH to the weary, and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; BUT those who HOPE in the Lord will RENEW their strength.  They will SOAR ON WINGS LIKE EAGLES; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint."

After I read this I just want to say AMEN, don't you!!
Love to all,

deja'vu

I am asking everyone for more prayers today.
A friend of mine I work with just told me yesterday that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I will not use her whole name, but just pray for J.
Her story is she wasn't feeling good and went to the MD.  She had felt a lump in her breast and asked the MD to look at it.  They felt it also, so she was sent to mammogram which led to ultrasound which led to biopsy.  The biopsy confirmed the MD suspicions that it was cancer.
Cancer seems to just pop up whenever it wants and it can happen to anyone.
Please, ladies, go to the MD and do your preventive treatments like mammograms and physicals.  Check your breast monthly and teach your daughters the same.

So now J has to start the journey of a breast cancer patient and survivor.
She has is a strong woman and I know she will get through this.
Please support her through your prayers and love like you have shown me.  I know you will.

I have a good day today, spending it with mom if my nausea doesn't pop up. Woke up feeling a little sick, but I hope it is just I am hungry.   Going to the wig shops today and hopefully they can do something with mine.  I may have some pictures to post of them, since so many are asking to see them!!

Psalms 68:19, :Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."

Love to all,

ever-changing....

Everyday is a new challenge, a new something that I have to get use to.  Like for example, the picture below:

My friend Victor thought it would be so cool to take a picture of use "3 stooges" the other day at work.  I was a little hesitant because I don't show my uncovered head outside of the house.  But he talked me into it. And then I found it on facebook!! To my surprise, everyone loved it and thought it was so funny (not me of course).
But, it is my ever-changing head as seen above. It is very hard for me to get use to it.  My head stays cold most of time, feels like felt now, and fuzz is attracted to it.  It seems that this little last bit of hair is hanging on for dear life to my scalp!!
But all I have to say is my friends are wonderful, my family is great, and my husband is the best!  From them, I feel so beautiful, not anxious, and so accepted.  They help me stay positive when I am feeling down and negative. I am laughing, smiling, and feeling awesome on my most "feeling sorry for myself, let's have a pity party" days.
So I just want to say THANK YOU to every one for helping me get through this.
I am going to try my wigs out Wednesday with my mom when we go shopping at the wigs shops. I am still not a fan of them, but dad says he likes them.  So I will give them a try.
I have one more week of feeling normal before I have another big chemo on Sept 11th.  So the countdown starts.
One good thing about not having hair, It is raining, pouring rain today as I get ready for work, and guess what, I don't have to worry about my hair!! HA, that's to all you girls out there right now who are envious of me right now!!
So this is for you to ponder:
1Peter 4:10 "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms."
Thank you for sharing your gifts with me.
Love to all

A lesson learned

Well, I figured out Friday that I really need to listen to my body and state of mind.  Yup, you guessed it.  For those of you who know me, I did over think my capabilities and tried to do more than I could.  That's me.

I got my "big" chemo treatment last Tuesday and was totally expecting the same thing to happen as last time. It didn't.  It was all different. I was so tired from Wednesday to Friday that all I did was lay in bed and sleep.
Then on Friday, I was so nauseous, I took phenergan, which helps, but makes me sleepy and slept all day again to get ready for work.  I just knew I could work.
You see, in my "Autumn's" mind, I try to work mind over matter.  I mean, if I can think my way to feeling better, then I usually feel better.  I have done this when I get sick, get a headache, or just don't feel good.  And it usually works (I would say 95% of the time).
Well with this chemo thing, it doesn't work that well.  I would have to say it doesn't work AT ALL!

So I got myself ready for work and even drove into to work.  I had to stop twice thinking my stomach was going to come out my throat.
When I got to work, everyone was worried.  I don't like to make my friends worried.  And guess what they did???? Yup, SENT ME HOME!! How dare them.  I just sat there right in the middle of the nurses station and cried.  I felt so bad and thought I could (and still think) that I can do it all.  Guess what, I can't.  God is telling me to not try.  I need to let him take care of me.
Well, I made it home and took my meds, and went to bed.
Today is a little better, but still feeling very yukky.  My scalp is sore (from my hair falling out) which it is continuing to do.  I will be hairless soon. My feet and lower legs hurt and ache from neuropathy that I was told would happen with chemo. It seems vicks vaporub on them helps, I tried it last night and it diminished the pain some.
New diet:  popcicles!! OMG!! they are the bomb-diggity right now.  orange and grape!

So tonight, we are celebrating Rob's birthday and having tacos. I think I will dare and try one.

I cannot make it through any of this without knowing first:
1. God is in control
2. the love and support of my family and friends
3. Rob's neverending support and love for me and the kids
4. Tyler's backrubs
5. Erin's sweet songs I hear her sing (when she thinks I don't!)
Matthew 6:33, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Love to all

my new hairdos

Well I have one more post today.  My trial with cover ups.  I am not sure about them.  After showing what I look like with out one, I may just go rogue and not wear any.  But here are pictures of what I have so far.  No wig pictures, I really don't like them still. I guess I just don't know how to wear them. You just can't put them on and go, like I thought.  I am a true wig virgin so I am planning a trip with mom to the wig stores to see if they can teach me a thing or two about them.

see ya,
love to all,

beauty lesson

My beauty lesson happened yesterday. My hair has been falling out since Thursday. So I decided to take charge and not let this "C" take control of my life.  So I took control and Rob cut my hair.  Or I should say Buzzed my hair off.
Before I did this,I was so nervous.  It upset me that I was going to loose my hair. I don't know why. Why is your hair so important. I thought about this and I guess my answer would be that it is our security, we find strength in it.  Kinda like Sampson. God told him to never get his hair cut, it was his source of strength.  In a way, it can be ours too.  What is the first thing most people notice, your hair. So..... I bought 2 wigs and scarves to cover up my head.  But now that I have taken this into my own control, I am not so nervous or upset about it.  I guess  you can say that I have accepted it. I posted my pictures on my facebook and the response was so overwhelming positive.  I really didn't expect that.  I really don't know what I expected but not this.
So now with the help of my family and friends, I see my new self in a different light.  I guess you all made me see myself through God's eyes, as His beautiful child.
So as I always look to God and  his wonderful words for encouragement, He has told me in Colossians 3:10 "and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the IMAGE of its Creator."
So here are the pictures I promised: Here's the before from last Sunday, one week ago.

Here I am showing you how I was just pulling out my hair literally with my fingers going through my hair.

Here we go!!! I got my sock it to cancer sock monkey shirt on!  LOL

almost done....

AND HERE I AM!!
Love to you all

a new chapter started....

ok can anyone guess what this is??? Well I will tell ya, it's my hair in the bathroom sink.  Yup, it has started.  My hair is starting to come out.  It doesn't look like it on me, but yesterday and today, it has started.  I can just run my hands through my hair and it comes out every time!
So I guess by next week you all will have the joy of seeing my baby head!! haha.  Rob wants to shave my head now.  I don't know what his rush is??? I think he is liking the idea of my bald head.

So for now I will just remember what the Bible tells me:  First is: God has a sense of humor:
In Leviticus 13:40 it is written, "if a man's hair falls out from his head, he is bald; he is clean."
He also is caring:
But it also says that the hairs on my head are numbered and God knows them all.  So I guess he is counting them as they fall out as I am. hehe.

So pray with me and for me as I journey through this time.  I am very nervous about this.  I guess because it is going to change my appearance so drastically.  I am not sure how others will respond and how I will respond to them.
So if I get a little teary eyed, just bear with me.  I will get through this with you all.  (and with the support of my scarves and wigs!! :) )


love to you all

renewal!

Well, this is the start of my renewal weekend last night here in Knoxville and it has turned out to be something wonderful. God is working in so many womens lives here, all 14,000 of them!

Last night I asked God for a word and this is my answer.
conformed: Romans 12:1-2 says: "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be CONFORMED to the world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect".

We all have times of testing, I know here lately I have had my share.
Like dealing with all the effects of this chemo and not really knowing each day what is going to happen. But I trust that I know I will get through this each day no matter how trying it may be.
Like, knowing when I feel ugly and unattractive, God will be looking at me as beautiful.
Like, when I am at my worse an feeling bad, I know God will be there to help me.

Word of advice I need to remember: 2 immodium is too much!! and don't think I won't be telling my nurse Tracy this!!!


with love,

GI, GI, GI. YUK!

Well my symptoms have started after just one dose of the chemo.  I don't know what I was expecting.  I guess I thought it would take a few doses before I would really start to feel like crap.
I feel queasy, no appetite, stomach cramps.  When I eat, it doesn't taste good and then I get queasy all over again.  Even my McDonald's coke doesn't taste that good!!
It is going to be a looonnnnggg 18 weeks (oh wait 17 more to go!)
Thank goodness for zofran and phenergan! it helps.
I pray I get through this when I actually have to get dressed and go to work.  I pray my symptoms will hold off until I get home so I can get through my tasks at hand when I am away from from home.

So for now it is applesauce and noodles. And I have come to like applesauce again!

So I leave you with this:
John 14:1 Jesus says: "do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me."
I believe that God will take care of me and my family and all my symptoms and discomforts.  He may not take them away and I have to go through this, but he will be carrying me through it and wiping my brow when I hurt.

love to you all

First Chemo done!!!

I got my first day of chemo done.  Yea if over!! I was so nervous, but Tracy my nurse, she was so calm and upbeat.  She got us through it.  And I thought I could talk, boy she was a talker!  It helped a lot to keep my mind of things.
So of course I always have problems or delays.  That's the Chapman way!  The nurse from last week at my doctors visit didn't send my chemo prescription for pre-approval so they had to do that first.  It took 2 hrs to do this.  Once they started my meds, it was 11:30!!  I didn't leave until 4:30!  IT was a long day.

At least this won't happen anymore.  Tracy took care of it all.
I keep waiting for something to happen, like any second now, but I just feel normal.  I guess I should be thanking God for that right now.  Because once the side effects start, I will be wishing them to go away.
Dr. Hargis said I probably won't feel anything until about Friday or Saturday, So that will be good.

My next 2 visits won't be as long, she said about 1 1/2 hrs since I will only be getting the one med these next 2 visits.
Last night I was so exhausted I went to bed at 7:30! but I couldn't sleep, finally asleep at 11:30! with the help of some phenergan  :)  I swear my eyelashes were falling out last night. I kept feeling them fall on my cheek and in my eyes. Rob said I was crazy!  But this morning they are all there!.

Hannah and Beth from my girl scout troop brought me a gift Monday night.  It was the greatest.  A t-shirt with a sock monkey (they know I love sock monkeys!) with pink (my favorite color) and it said sock it to cancer.  I wore it my first treatment.  Everyone loved it.

 Keep praying for courage and strength.  I know so far it hasn't been to hard, but I think it will be coming soon.
Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gently and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Love to you all

God's miracles

I can't keep singing the song "Our God is an awesome God, He reigns from Heaven above..."
I saw how awesome God can work yesterday.
I was at Norton Hospital downtown Louisville to have my port inserted for my chemo treatments.  Here I am sitting with my mom waiting for my nurse and then my nurse comes in.  An angel sent from God.  Joyce asks, why are you getting the port.  I tell her it is for my chemo from breast cancer.  She tells me she had breast cancer, surgery, and chemo.
She was sent to help me understand what I was going through and she answered my questions. ALL MY QUESTIONS.!! You all know I have lots and lots of questions.
Questions like, what am I going to feel like taking chemo.  How to control the side affects. About my  hair loss.  And she even had a wig on and it didn't look like one! It is so amazing how I see God in the little things and he shows up when you don't even expect it!

So now, with the help of my dad and mom, I am going to get a wig. Joyce said her hair didn't start to grow back until after her treatments were done.  So this means I will be hairless a lot longer than I thought.
I got in the mail the scrub caps to wear and they are cute, Rob doesn't think so.  But how cute can a bald woman be??

The port insertion went good, with the help of a great surgeon and anesthesiologist.  Dr. Brown and Dr. Orman did me well. I do hurt, alot.  It is on my left chest and I can hardly move my arm right now. But thanks to vicodin, it helps! haha
The kids think my port looks gross.  I am sure it does.  I guess since I have seen them before, it doesn't bother me.
I am nervous about starting the chemo and what is going to happen once it does. A lot of changes will be happening in the next few weeks. Pray I stay strong.  Some days I feel like I will just break, but then I feel all of a sudden my weight is being lifted off my shoulders.
Rob is awesome! Have I said that?? He is so great. I don't know what I would without him. He just hangs in there and listens to me talk and talk.  I guess after 23yrs of living with me, he is use to it!

The next step will be my MUGA scan on Monday at Suburban hospital. Then I start chemo on Tuesday at 0830.
Throughout all of this, I am trying to stay strong, in my physical and emotional state as well as in my faith in Christ. I think I am doing good so far. But please remember, as I try to remind myself, I am only human. So please keep a bended knee for me as I do.  The next week is going to be my biggest test so far.  I am nervous about the unknown and what is going to happen. So as I try to stay strong, I will need HIM to guide me through it as well as all my family and friends.  Just knowing all of the support and prayers I have, does help me. As Joyce was sent to me, you all are sent to me.  Everyone has a part in the plan of Christ.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  John 14:27

Love to all of you!!

I got the plan!!

I went to see my oncologist, Dr. Hargis yesterday and he has a plan.  I always plan for the worse but hope for the best.  Well, the worse is gonna happen.  Here's the scoop-de-doop.
I have to get chemo and radiation.  I WILL LOOSE MY HAIR!  I am not to happy about this.  I kinda thought that I would be ok with it.  Erin and I even talked about it a few times about how I would decorate my bald head and Rob even said I should get a tattoo on my head!! He is such a nerd!
But now, I don't know what I feel. I know it is going to be hard to go to work and have every one staring and looking at my big head. And I don't even know what I will say to my patients and their families.  I am here to support them and I don't want them to feel like they need to support me in their times of hurt. I have to see my girls in my girl scout troop.  I don't know how they will react to me.  But I know I feel more comfortable around those girls.  They are a huge support to me and give me fun and laughs all the time!
I know my God will help me through this and put his words on my mouth and tell me what to say.  And it will be perfect!

Well, I get a port placed on Friday in order to receive my chemo.  Then it all starts on Tuesday.  I will receive chemo weekly for 18 weeks then once every 3 weeks for 12 treatments. I calculated up the calendar and the first part will end sometime before Thanksgiving (so I will have hair at Christmas!! yea) and the second part will end sometime in July.  Yes I said July.  This sucks! He said radiation should start sometime in Feb.

For all my nurse friends, here is the description of my cancer from Dr. Hargis:
Type: invasive ductal (most common, means it originated from the milk ducts)
size: 3.7 cm (1.5 in)
lymph nodes: negative
stage: IIA, T2, N0
estrogen receptor: +
HER 2 receptors: +

So the reason for the high dose chemo and my hair falling out, I can thank the HER2 receptors!

In case you all are wondering, I am doing fine. I had a little pity party last night, but I am over it now.
I use to hear about other women (and men) going through cancer and how I would feel or how I would act if it happened to me.  I always thought I would be angry and cry a lot. but I look at it this way. God placed in my heart and told me what I was to expect before I was actually told by the doctors.  I feel this was placed in me so I would be able to accept it and move on to what I need to do.  I knew in my heart that the tumor was malignant before they told me.  I knew I would be having surgery.  I knew I would be having chemo and my hair would fall out.  I knew I would need a port.  I didn't want any of these things to come true and I didn't want to hear the doctors tell me this, but knowing these things, when I was actually told them and they confirmed what I already thought, I was able to hear them and move on.  God is so wonderful and works in so many ways.
I know he is working through me with this.  I have always been taught that God uses the weak to show his amazing power.  Well he picked a good one in me. I sure am weak.  I may not stutter like Moses, or be like David (who killed a man for a woman WOW!) or  a prostitute like Rahab and I could go on and on.  These are the people that God used to show how mighty he is and if I trust Him, he will guide me and my family and I will be blessed a hundred times over and everyone will see how GOOD GOD IS.

So I will leave you with this.  I am accepting what is happening.  I may not like it, but my God has a plan and I am a part in it.  I would always pray, "God please use me in your plan and show me what I am to do and give me courage to do it."  Well, here it is!  I hope I have to courage to be strong and do as God wants me to.
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

Back to work!

Well, I am officially back to work.  First, I would like to say a HUGE THANK YOU to all my friends at St. Joe and NBH.  You all made it so easy to come back to work.   Your support and love is awesome!

So now, I am back to work.  And I do have to say that it really kicked my butt! Not that I got tired or wore out.  We were so busy!  I couldn't have a "easy"night when I came back. NOOOOOO, It had to be a really chaotic night, all 4 nights!

But I am glad to be back.

So update: I go see the oncologist on Tuesday at 1 pm.  He will tell me then what my course of treatment will be, which will be chemo and radiation or just radiation.

I just want to say thanks to my parents for hosting our family cookout/reunion this past Sunday.  It was great and HOT!!  TEveryone got to meet Tyler's girlfriend Selena and Erin's friend Ashleigh.  It was great to see everyone, since we don't get to see each other except on holidays or when something goes wrong!! Isn't that usually the way it goes when everyone grows up and moves away.  It is sad that it is that hard to get with your family.  I think that is the only good reason I like facebook! I can stay connected with everyone, no matter where they live.

On one last note, I know God works in His weird ways!  I witnessed it last night.  Just to keep it short, a friend that I work with went home early from work last night sick.  When she got home, her husband went into cardiac arrest and she had to do cpr on him.  It is so devastating to think what could have happened if she stayed at work and didn't go home sick.  It also saddens me to think what she had to go through last night.  I want everyone to pray for her and her family.  She has had such a hard time the last few years and I just want her to see the end of the tunnel soon and not have any worries.  And through all of her troubles, she keeps a smile and happy attitude.  I have learned much from this awesome lady!

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say Rejoice."  Phillipians 4:4

Trying to get back to "normal"

Well, I'm trying to get everything back to normal. So far, doing a ok job.
I received my return to work release from Dr. Brown and he had on there "no restrictions".  So if I don't have any, I thought I would try running on the treadmill.  I did for about 10 minutes and it felt so awesome!!!
That was yesterday. Today, I thought I would be so sore but I'm not.  Thank goodness.
Now to tackle the next feat.  Sleep.  I have been having trouble sleeping. I think it is my body telling me that we are ready to get back to night shift schedule and get back to work!!  I got some ZZZQuil and I'm gonna try it tonight to see if it works any.  I'll let you know if it is worth buying!
I may need it because Erin is having a friend over and she will probably be up all night!!

I am feeling so much better.  I am in better spirits since I went to visit work and drop off some papers for HR on Wednesday.  It was nice to see everyone.  As much as I kid about wanting to quit work, I don't think I could.  I miss work and the friends I have made to much.  So you all are stuck with me!!

So my mind and spirit is better and my body is mending.  I am learning patience in waiting knowing that it is all in God's time.  Why rush??  My oncology doctor visit is on the 24th and then we will have a plan (hopefully).  My Bible verse of the day is this:
Romans 5:1-5
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that sufferings produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Love you you all!!

bending not breaking

Today I remembered I forgot to ask Dr. Brown something when I was in his office on Thursday: when it would be ok for me to start running on my treadmill again.  So I went to the internet! I found some sites and blogs that other women commented on and here is what I found out.
 I can't right now : (  bummer

I found a lot of good advice like:
-just brisk walking right now.  One woman started running too soon after her lumpectomy and got really sore from it.
-when you walk, don't swing your affected arm, put your hand on your hip to prevent it and it keeps you from rubbing your skin.
- wear a cami with a bra in it at first.  Now I understand that I am not the only one who can't wear a bra. Then move onto a sports bra
-do arm exercises on the affected side to prevent edema.  I just got these the other day so I guess I need to start on them.
-don't lay on the affected side.  Oops. already did.
-stretch my arm and exercise through radiation to keep my skin stretched out. (EWWW) I am starting to think this radiation is a bad thing!!
- I am not the only person going through this or have gone through this!!  (best advice)

So I walked on my treadmill today for 30 minutes.  It was so BORING!!  I want to run, not walk, but I guess it is better than just sitting on the couch being bored. And the hardest part was to walk with my hand on my hip.  OMG!  This is so abnormal way to walk. But I do have to say it helped keep me from rubbing my incision site.
While I was walking and listening to my ipod, I heard a song that when you listen to the words, it is so true to me right now.  It is called He Said by Group 1 Crew.  One part in it goes like this:
"I won't give you more, more than you can take.
I may let you bend, but I won't let you break. don't forget what He Said"
This is so true.  I feel the bend right now and sometimes I feel like I am breaking (last night one of those times!) but I know He won't let that happen.  Jesus is always there to pick me up or hold me (which is another great song BTW by Jaime Grace!!).
So right now I am just going to walk and be patient and just bend with what comes my way.  I will get through whatever comes.  I am realizing this each day, so by the time I get to the real heavy duty stuff coming up, I know I will be standing!!
Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding:
in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight".

Love you

hurry up and wait game

Well this morning the nurse from Dr. Brown's office called me with my scheduled appt's with the oncologist and radiologist.  I see them on the 24th and the 31st!!  I thought I was suppose to get in ASAP per Dr. Brown but I guess this is another MD game and their ASAP is 3 weeks!!  God is really trying to teach me through all this, I just hope I pass his test.
I also learned how to talk with the insurance lady by phone.  I don't think she speaks "Autumn".  I mean it only took Rob, let's see we have been married almost 23 yrs, so he is still learning my language!! But I think we have it all figured out so I can at least get my paycheck.
So now I am just waiting......waiting to start work (which my release date is the 15th), waiting for my doctors appts.....then waiting on what treatment I am suppose to have.
waiting....waiting.....waiting.....
The only good thing that is worth waiting is our family picnic coming up on the 15th!!! I can't wait to see everyone!!
Love to all

the next step

I went to see Dr. Brown for my followup visit post surgery today.  He didn't really tell me anything new.  He went over my pathology report again and told me the nodes are negative for cancer, my margins are clear but the tumor which we thought was 1.8 cm was actually 3.7 cm.  He took some of the tissue around the tumor which totaled 5.1cm taken!!  No wonder I had a big dent! haha
I am still feeling the stress of it all and the thought of I HAVE BREAST CANCER.  It is unbelievable!  It feels like I will wake up and life will be normal again, but I know that will come later, normal life I mean.
What is the next step you ask???  Well I am waiting (doctors seem to like keeping you waiting) for my appt with the medical oncologist Dr. Hargis and my radiologist Dr. Cornett.  It appears I may have to receive chemotherapy in addition to radiation because of my age and the size of the tumor.  But I won't know anything more until I meet with the oncologist.  Just keep checking my blog for updates and I will try to keep it uplifting as God is lifting me up in faith.  That is why I called this outstanding faith.  Because with all that is going on in my life and Rob's life, we have outstanding faith that God will carry us through this valley and guide us in the direction we need to be.  He is walking with us all the way and sometimes carries me.

Love you all

How to tell someone you have cancer

There is really no way to tell someone you have cancer.  I kept saying it over in my mind how I would tell my parents, Rob, my kids, my friends.  It was hard.  So when Rob got home, I told him what the doctor said about my biopsy and what the nurse navigator said.  He was like me, kinda already knew it.  It didn't shock him as much.
Then I called my parents.  How do you tell your mom whose is a breast cancer survivor that her daughter has breast cancer.  So when I called them, I just said, "my biopsy is positive for cancer".  It was like a shock wave hit us.  The same reaction came when I told everyone else in my family.  It was hard having to repeat the same story over and over but I had to tell them personally.  By the time I got done saying it about 5 times, I was totally drained.
Then I had to tell my friends.  I think this was the hardest. Just because I didn't know how they would react or what they would say.  I mean, with my family, I kinda knew how they would react. I knew they would be upset and tell me they love me and all of that.  But with my friends, I didn't know what our conversation would end up being and most of it I told them in person.  So trying not to cry while at work, telling them was really hard. So I just decided to come out and say it "I have been diagnosed with breast cancer". The response of love and help was so overwhelming to me.  You know you have friends but when something like this happens and the support comes out by cards, texting, emails, it is overwhelming.  It has kept me going each day with all the positive encouragement being sent.
Most days, I just get so tired of talking or texting people.  But I know they will understand if I don't answer the phone or answer them back.  It is so draining to just sit around the house with not being able to do much, tired from all the pain meds, and all I can think about is I have breast cancer!

God has sent me many angels to help support me in my physical world.
On Tuesday, I got the news that my nodes were negative for cancer but the tumor was bigger than he thought it was.  It was doubled in size!! Dr. Brown said I may need chemo with radiation too.  I just cried.  I don't want to get it but if this is the road I have to take, then I will.  Just then, 5 minutes after the phone call, God sent my angel.  Missy, my lifetime friend since we were babies.  She gave me so much encouragement and love that by the time we were done talking, my stress and being upset was gone.  And she continues to send me hugs and kisses all the way from South Carolina!!

I could not have gotten this far with out going insane or loosing my mind without my family and friends.  My support system is so big and I didn't realize it until I broke the news to everyone.  People from high school, work (both jobs), church and family all there holding my hand and lifting my spirits each day.  God has truly blessed me in my life and I feel HIS love through each and every one of you.

Finally, surgery day

Surgery day.  June 27th.  I had to be at the hospital at 11:30 am for my preop testing and procedures.  Yes a lumpectomy has preop procedures.
They first started my IV which I have to say was not painful because the nurses numb up your hand first!! I think ALL nurses should push for this in all of our patients.  It helped so much!!  She also gave me a valium!!  I guess I looked really stressed.  I know I was.  I had been having GI symptoms and low appetite since all this started.  I think I will be needing a GI doctor after all this over to make sure I don't have an ulcer!
Well after the IV, I was taken to the mammogram suite and the doctor there proceeded to place a wire, yes I said wire, in my right breast to pinpoint the tumor for surgery.  He numbed me up pretty good, because I didn't feel it even though I thought I did at times.
Back to the preop room and more family coming in to visit.  I tried to warn the staff there that my family was big, but they just laughed it off.  Now they know I was serious.  I had a total of 13 people waiting for me to come out of surgery.  My family is awesome.  While waiting, Dr. Brown stopped by and said he had to inject the dye to see where the sentenial node was from my tumor.  He did it right there! Another shot in my breast!!!  WOW is all I can say.
Now off to surgery.

I got over onto the table and the lady, I guess she was the nurse anesthesiologist, was very nice.  She told me all the meds I was going to get.  Good meds!! Then the mask came on my face and the next thing I know, I am being woke up in the recovery room.  I can't tell you how great it was to see a nurse I used to work with there.  She had me laughing even though I was still groggy, and eased my mind.  The power of friendship is hard to describe but the power it has to comfort is overwhelming.

I stayed a little while there and got up in a chair then Rob took me home.  That's it. At least all I can remember. Next blog, telling family about cancer.

Start of a new journey

Well as most of you know, my family and I have taken a new journey in our life.  It is called cancer.  Breast cancer to be exact.  I will tell you my story and the update from today at the end.  Keep reading my posts, which I hope to do periodically, for you all to stay updated, but for me also to have a way to get things out in the open and off my chest.
Well it all started June 1st.  I had a mammogram and it looked suspicious so they had me come back for a repeat.  Which has happened to me many times before but on the repeat it didn't look good.  So on this day, my wonderful husband Rob drove me back to the center for a biopsy.
It took 6 days to get back the results which showed positive for cancer.  I kinda already thought this in my mind and the words the doctor was saying to me on the phone just confirmed my feelings.  It was like my brain was in a cloud.  I didn't know what to think but only "what is next".
Immediately the nurse navigator called me to help me through all the information and tell me what to expect and what to do.  We set up my appt with the surgeon.
I saw Dr. Brown on June 12th.  He gave the pathology report and explained it to me and Rob but the words just kept swimming around in my head. Words like cancer, insitu, ductal, grade2, stage 1.  I didn't know what any of this meant.  Dr. Brown and his office is so great and helpful.  The even gave me a huge bag of patient education materials for me to read!!  He said the next step was to get a MRI.

MRI experience:
June 19th. I had the MRI.  Let me back track to June 18th, the night before.  I decided it was time for me to read and go through ALL of the education materials that night that Dr. Brown has given me.  The material gave me websites to go on for more information.  Knowing the nurse I am, you know I did just that.  And knowing a nurse, we want all the information we can get.  So YES I did. I watched videos.  First is just started out seeing what the MRI experience would be like, then it turned into watching videos of a lumpectomy, tumor biopsy.  I stopped there.  I figured that was enough for now.
So now I was "informed" of my MRI  and other things also!  I went to my MRI and one of my special friends met me there to help me through this.  The MRI was so weird.  I had to lay on my stomach and put my "boobs" in these holes.  It took 45 minutes of them telling me, "don't move", "were almost done".  It felt like an eternity.  Now all I have to do is wait again!!

I got the results the very next day!!  How  astonishing! I wasn't expecting to hear from them for at least a week.  They said it didn't look like it  had any changes and my next step was to schedule my surgery.
I got that scheduled (as I told the lady) for the first available!!  She got me in on the schedule for a week later, June 27th.  I didn't care where it was going to be at or what time, I just wanted this to be over.  So I had it scheduled at Suburban Hospital at 3 pm.  I had to stay NPO (nothing to eat or drink) from midnight til surgery!! I knew I could do it.  I know I just couldn't wait anymore to get this cancer out of my body!!