family

I learned something today, family is everything.  This is me and my memaw.  She doesn't remember much because of her alzheimers.  But on her good days she does remember me.  Nothing should come between you and your family.  There should always be understanding and love.  My aunt died Saturday.  I was close to her at one time in my life, but we let things, disagreements come between us.  The last few months of her life, I feel like we were starting over and forgiving, loving each other.  But a few months were not enough.
No one knows how much time they have on the planet.  No one knows when Jesus will return to take us all home.  So while we are here, we must tell those we love everyday what they mean to you and that you love them.
My cousin described his mom as a "storm" and he was right.  She was.  And that is how I always saw her.  But I was able to see her as a different person today through talking to others and listening to stories of her adventures.  I wish I knew this part of her too. Like, I learned that she drove cars fast!  Like racing cars on the road.  Who knew?!!
I have also learned that differences you have with others are not just between you and that person.  It affects everyone around too.  I have to rebuild my relationships with my cousins now.  I feel we are on the start of it, but I know it will take time. Today he hugged me and whispered to me, I am glad you didn't die.  I haven't spoken to him in a long time, since before I got sick with cancer.  I too am glad I didn't die! In more ways than one, but I feel God has given me this second chance at life and I need to quit playing around and take my life serious.  This is it.
I was honored that in her funeral plans, she chose me to read the poem I read at my grandfathers funeral to read at her funeral.  Yes I did crack and show myself and cried like a baby.  But I got through it.I know she is happy now and living gloriously.

Don't Cry For Me Today
Don't cry for me today,
I wouldn't want it this way.
Be strong and smile,
for you will see me in a while.
I know you miss me,
but now in Heaven I will be.
Do not keep your sad face,
I am in a much better place.
Do not let your tears fall,
for I cannot wipe them all.
Yes, my life wasn't long,
but I'm begging you to be strong.
Live every moment as if it were your last,
I won't forget any memories that have passed.
Cherish life and love as I watch you from above.
As I remember all of the good things,
I come to see I have gotten my wings.
It is time to go and fly,
as your guardian angel I will try.
Don't cry for me today,
I'm on my way.
Soaring through the sky,
I watch all of you telling me goodbye.

RIP Twana Gayle Deweese

Love to all,

made it another year!

So glad the dreaded mammogram is over and IT WAS CLEAR! Praise God.  So another year, clear, cancer free.  Now off to stressing over other things, like my kids growing up!  They went to the homecoming dance last week and they are not kids anymore, they are young adults.  And I am mixed about them leaving for college next year.
We are touring Vandy, Asbury, Western and Bellarmine so far.  I would love for one of them to go to Vandy, you know I just loooove Nashville and it would give me an excuse to go there!!
but I want them to be close to home so they can come home anytime.
So here is the upside and downs of them leaving:
I will have my house back all to myself!
no more toting them around town
Date night more frequent!
OR:
I miss them terribly!!
the house will be too quiet and lonely
I will miss toting them around town

This year is going to be a great year watching them grow into young adults and moving on.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."  Romans 8:26

Love to all,

Here we go again

It never gets any easier.  And I know it never will. 
                Yearly mammograms.
Today is my mammogram.  Fear has a funny way of popping up when you don't want it to.  I know I will be ok.  I am not afraid of recurrent cancer because I know what to expect.
That is the problem....I know what to expect.  I don't want to go through what I had to go through 2 years ago again.  It was a hard time in my life.  I think the hardest I have ever had to experience. 
So at 1 pm today, I will be felt up, squished and smashed and receive my radiation to see if I remain cancer free. 
So I will lay all my fears and anxiety at Jesus' feet and let him carry my burden.  That is what gets me through my trials and when satan tries to bring me down. 
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

Love to all,

I love my family

I have had the most wonderful week!!  First, I went on vacation with my kids and in-laws.  Yes that is what I said, my mother-in-law and father in-law.  They are not like any in-laws you may read about.  They are like my second set of parents.  I just love them.  We had a great time together this week on a cruise. 
Then I was able to keep my niece, Anna Belle Saturday night.  Well, I understand now why I do not have any more kids!  She kept me going!!  At the park, walking the dog, running around outside.  All I heard was, lets go outside.  I was ready for bed that night!  But it was such a joy to have her here and to spend some time with her.  She is a blessing.

Then on Sunday, was our FISH FRY!! Jacob came home from boot camp and it was great to honor him and his decision to be a Marine.  The stories from his experiences this past 3 months are great.  It is always good when family gets together. We are so spread out, that it is hard to see everyone except on  holidays.  And being in the medical field, you know we are not exempt from working those days.

 We also celebrated my papaw Wix. Sunday would have been his 96th birthday.  He was the one as far back as I can remember, started the fish fry's and getting everyone together at least a few times in the summer.  So many memories of them at Dover lake and Horseshoe lake.
A big thanks to my parents, David and Gwen, for hosting it too.  Dad made the fish just right!!  I am so lucky that they want to carry on the traditions of this and I hope that I can carry it on for my kids and grandkids!

So now it is back to work tonight, back to life, vacation is over.  But I will always have the memories.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, His love endures forever.  1 Chronicles 16:34

 Love to all, 

Being Holistic

Being Holistic, but I call it being whole-istic…. I have found a new way to stay healthy and keep my body free from toxins.  By trying to keep the toxins out of my body, I am helping my body to fight off disease, cancer, and illness and boosting my immune system to do this.  Exercise isn’t enough.  Erin says I am being obsessive, but if that is how I need to be in order to be healthy, then so be it. I call it being passionate!! 

Toxins are in our air and water, food, lotions, shampoos, deodorants to name a few.   You have to breath, and have no choice on your water, but you do have a choice on selecting your food and other products you put on your body. For example:

Deodorants/antiperspirants contain the chemical Aluminum that has been linked to breast cancer.

( http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/AP-Deo ). 

Your liver is the primary organ in your body that filters out these toxins.  It is important to keep it healthy to continue to filter them out. 

Cancer feeds off of sugar and acid.  Your body must be in a state of alkaline, cancer cells cannot live in this state. 

This is what I have done to try to live out a healthy, toxin free life to prevent any future cancer.

·         I exercise daily for 30 minutes or more:  This includes weights, yoga, pilates or cardio.  You only need 30 minutes/ 3times a week to get the benefits of exercise.  Sweating is a good detoxifier of the body and a natural way to rid the body of toxins.  And believe me, I sweat.

·         I have eliminated all processed food from my diet.  There are way too many additives and preservatives in food already without adding more from man-made foods.  Just think about what preservatives do to food, keeps is on the shelf longer.  Now just think what it does to your body,  it will take your body longer to digest it and you do not absorb all the nutrients from the food because the preservatives are doing what they are supposed to do, preserve.  This for me is the hardest part, because I have to plan my meals, and portion them out.  Prepping for meals is  A JOB.

·         I have eliminated sugar from my diet.  I only eat natural sugar like in fruit.  I do not add any to my tea and do not eat any candy or sweets.  Sugar feeds cancer cells.  This is hard because I LOVE CHOCOLATE CAKE!! But every once in a while, I do cave in and have some chocolate.  What girl doesn’t need it!  Not this one. 

·         I have changed my deodorant to a natural one that is free from Aluminum.  This is a hard transition because I actually sweat now!  I sure do hope I don’t stink!!

·         I am currently in the process of switching to natural products for shampoo, lotion, hair color and soap.  I found this great store called Lush (www.lush.com) that is all natural products.  There is a possibility that some chemicals can be linked to Alzheimer. “More recently, two ingredients in shampoo -- the zinc in dandruff formulas and a preservative, MIT -- have been studied, but no clear link has been established.” (http://www.livestrong.com/article/1006961-shampoo-alzheimers/). 

·         Your skin is your largest organ of your body and it is there to protect you.  But it also absorbs toxins by the water (fluoride and chlorine), air (pollution), lotions/sunscreens (chemicals in these have been linked to endocrine and immune disruption, cellular mutations and even allergies to name a few. http://www.budget101.com/scratch-recipes-storebought-items/myo-no-sweat-sunscreen-stick-4174.html). 

·         DRINK LOTS OF WATER!  Get rid of sodas, caffeine

·         Detox:  Dandelion tea is good.  Luke warm lemon water on an empty stomach is a good one too.  Carrot juice works too.

·         Wheat grass daily:  I mixed with orange juice and it is easy to swallow this way!  Wheat grass is full of chlorophyll and high in oxygen.  Cancer cells hate oxygen.  Wheat grass rebuilds the bloodstream.  For more see the website http://foodbabe.com/2011/09/02/what-a-miracle-food-wheatgrass-bali/.

·         Eat raw vegetables.  Buy organic food when possible.  It is free from pesticides, hormones and toxins.

So maybe I am a little obsessive and passionate about this.  But there is no magic pill to be healthy.  We have way too many people that are obese, including kids.  This leads to cancer, diabetes, cardiovascular disease and stroke.  If people would just make a little change to their way of life and to what they put in their body and on their body, then we would not see so many illnesses.  And as a nurse, I may not have a job!! Which is not good for me but a good outcome for our society!!

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own;" 1 Corinthians 6:19

Love to all,

cancer is a bad word

Yes I think this, cancer is a bad word.  I am tired of hearing it, living it and worrying about it.  But it is a part of my life now.  I can't escape it.
Yesterday I was having a huge pity party for myself.  I went to my doctor appointment which was suppose to be a routine thing. Well it wasn't.  I have been experiencing some side effects from my medication that I take, tamoxifen, and he thought it would be best to check it out. So I got a uterine biopsy.
If you all know me, yes, I freaked out.  I vagaled during the procedure, then after it was done, I was just an emotional wreck.  I just cried.

Damn Cancer.

I know it is all in God's hand and I trust him to take care of me.  I am just tired of it all.

But today I am a lot better.  No more cramping in my abdomen, I feel better, and my mood is better.  I am no longer feeling weak like I was yesterday.  But today I AM STRONG!  I am an OVERCOMER!!

So with the love and support of Jesus to carry me when I am weak and to hold my hand in the hard times, I will again get through this.

1 Samuel 2:2, "There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God."

Love to all,



Update:  MY BIOPSY CAME BACK NEGATIVE!!  KEEP PRAYING,  MAMMOGRAM DUE IN SEPTEMBER.

another ending

My medical bills are

                                WHOO HOO!!!!!

So this is the end to the monthly reminders of the last 2 years!
I can't say how this feeling is.
So onto being more healthy and getting rid of this cancer all together.
By eating healthy, exercising, and being more conscious of what I put in my body as well as on my body, I will be able to resist future cancers.  More to come on this!

Matthew 5:3, You're blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. (MSG)

Love to all,

Triggering memories

Funny how the smallest thing can just pop up in everyday life and it will trigger a memory instantly.  This happened to me not once but twice this week.  While at the grocery store, the song on the intercom was playing Chicago's Your the inspiration.  This song is the one that my senior prom theme was made after and when the song was played, I remember dancing with Robby and thinking my night was so wonderful.  You see I WAS Cinderella, and he made me feel that way.  He still does.
The other time was when I was sitting on the couch and I had one of the blankets over me.  When I looked down I saw it was Ty's blanket that I had made from their one year birthday.  Everyone that came placed their handprint on a piece of material and it was sown together by their MeMe and their Nana cross stitched the date and their name.  It turned out beautiful and I remember this day.  It was so much fun and excitement. But that isn't the memory that was triggered.  It was the handprint of my grandfather who has passed on 5 years ago.  It got me thinking that I have a piece of him right here.  Then I got to looking at this blanket and it has so many of my family's handprints and that will be with Ty (and Erin) for their lives.

So many memories of my grandparents and the fun that I had with them.  Memories of being with my mamaw and both my papaw's when they were dying.  I am glad I got the privilege to be a part of their family and to be there when they were saying goodbye to this human world.  I know I will see them again and it will be such a reunion!

Psalms 27:4; "One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." ESV

Love to you all,

Don't listen to the lies

So as I read the blog of the late Kristen by her family, they are talking about the lies satan tries to tell us to discourage us and not follow what God has planned.  He takes away our trust and faith and makes us believe that our way is the better way.
I have been caught in believing some of these lies and it has just caused me worry.  When we worry, it is saying you do not trust that God will provide and take care of you. I am constantly learning everyday to trust God.  The more I read His word, the closer I get to him.  
This week I had a great conversation with Erin about life and the road and experiences that cancer took us down. It isn't very often that I get to have a conversation with her, you know she thinks I don't know anything! It was eye opening and revealing what her experience was.  I explained to her that the trip has just started, it wasn't over even though my cancer is gone.  She can help others that have a mother or a loved one going through the same thing, just as I help other women going through what I have done.  We shared the verse Hebrews 11:1.
Well, since then a funny thing has happened.  Yesterday, I heard that very same verse at least 3 times and I had 2 people come to me and talk to me about their loved one who had cancer and their experience.  I am so glad that I can be an encourager and help them through my tuff times.

So praise him in the storms and in the good times.  You will be blessed beyond measure!
"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere;" Psalms 84:10

Love to all,

fear can take you

I don't know what it is but cancer is so contagious.  Another one of my friends/coworkers has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It is so scary out there.  I can't say it enough, but get those boobies squashed!  Get them checked out!
I am glad that me and 2 other women that she knows who have gone through this can help her out and give her encouragement.  All this talk of breast cancer and seeing all these young women getting diagnosed is scary, and I am thinking that I should have had a mastectomy!  At least I wouldn't have to worry and I would have new boobies!
Today I am reading over my blog posts and my feelings I have journaled throughout my cancer and life journeys.  It is amazing how it is all still so fresh on my mind.  And all those memories and feelings are being stirred up in me again with the diagnosis of these 2 women I know.  I feel like I am looking through a glass and seeing myself all over again in my struggles from 2 years ago.  Yes it has been 2 years.  Can you believe it??
So I push back my feelings so I can support my girls and I know they would do the same.  I have finished my part of cancer treatment journey, and they are starting theirs.  So I have nothing to complain about.  So why do I feel like complaining and whining??

Philippians 2: 13-14: "for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.  Do everything WITHOUT GRUMBLING  or arguing,"

I have a lot to work on to do this!

Love to all,

God's ways are not our ways

Yes I stole this title from Bob Russell.  But my heart is heavy this morning and I feel I need to get it out.  Another friend on mine has been diagnosed with cancer.  She is dealing with all the feelings and fears I had May 2012 at the start of my diagnosis.  I ask everyone to pray for her and her family as they go through this journey as we did.
This week, this world lost a great women that was in most of my life to brain cancer and another women from my church who I only got to know through her blog, but I feel I know her personally, who passed away from brain cancer also.  Both of these women, even though they lost their earthly life, have gained eternal life.  They followed God and his will through all the rough times and good times.  They remained positive and encouraged others, even me, through their fight.  They will forever remain ingrained in my heart.

I have also experienced great triumphs too.  My friend Gerri, breast cancer survivor, Jeannine, breast cancer survivor, Angela, breast cancer survivor, just to name a few who have recently battled breast cancer.  And ME, I am a survivor!!

God has a plan and we never know what our role in that plan will be.  We must be courageous and bold to say yes I will follow you.  God uses the weak, uses our weaknesses to show his strength.  In the Bible, he used Saul (Paul) who persecuted Christians and once he started following God, he was thrown in prison.  This is where he wrote most of the new testament.  He used Moses who was a stutterer and not good with words to lead his people.  He used David (a man after his own heart) who committed adultery and murder.  So no matter what our sins are (we are all sinners!) God will forgive and forget and use us for His good.  Today, He used Kristin and Granny Faye in their struggles with life and death.  I am also a testament to this.  I am not courageous or bold, and I have to get up every morning and pray for God to help me through the day. To give me his strength, his faith, his grace and yes even his smile.  Through out all my struggles, this has helped me get through all the tough times and this is how others was able to see Jesus's light in me.

So if you know of someone struggling, pray for them.  Prayer moves mountains!

Saviour he can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything i believe in
Now i surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen king Jesus

From Hillsong United "Mighty to Save"

Love to all,

bugs

I have had experience with bugs.  I have seen roaches, ants, and at work we have dealt with bed bugs and lice.  But never at home.  This week has been an experience I really want to put behind me.  Every time I think about it my head itches.

LICE.

Your scratching your head right now, aren't you!!  I know I am.
We had to go through the disinfecting process in my home.  One of my kids, not saying names, was found with lice in their hair.  We, or should I say my wonderful husband Rob, washed their hair, combed it out with that little comb they provide.  He then proceeded to wash at least 10 loads of laundry of sheets, blankets, pillows and clothes.  Where was I?? I was in bed sleeping (had to work that night).

I hope we never have to deal with it again.  It is a lot of work, dealing with these bugs.

2 Corinthians 4:10, "We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

Love to all,