The other side...

Well, I still find it difficult for me to wrap my head and mind about me being on the other side of healthcare.  Me, a patient.  It sucks big time!!  I am not happy about it. And when I don't feel good, I really don't like it.

Yesterday, I had to go to the ER.  I developed a sore throat and cough and thought I was getting sick due to my chemo and counts being down the week before. So I called the MD and got the nurse practitioner and she said I needed to to go to the hospital to get checked out. So I called  mom and she came and got me and took me to Suburban Hospital. I thought when I called the MD they would just call in a scrip for antibiotics.  NOOOOOOO, I had to drive in town to be seen when I wasn't feeling good at all.
And to top it off, I was dupped up on phenergan, hence mom driving me.

So Suburban people are nice. I can't complain, they took care of me.  I had to repeat my story many times about my chemo, nausea, (which were normal due to my treatment that week).  I wonder why people just don't read what is written down instead of asking over and over the same questions already asked by someone else.  But I kept on repeating the story, "I just had my 5th treatment this week for breast cancer."  "Yes this nausea is normal and it happens every time".  " No I haven't had any fevers."  "Yes I feel like crap".
"The nurse practitioner sent me here for tests." " My blood work and counts were down last week."
I think I repeated all this at least 3 times if not more.

So the ER MD ordered tests. I got lab work, which turned out ok, counts down but ok.  I got a chest xray, which was good, no pneumonia.  I also got a rapid strept test.  WOW!!  being nauseated and getting your throat swabbed doesn't work to well.  I almost, yes I am that good, almost puked when she swabbed my throat!! No puke came.  I really hate to puke.  It is the worse feeling.  I have been trying not to since my last treatment (#4) and this treatment (#5) it has come really close.  So I have a feeling puke will make scene at the next and last treatment.
Oh, sorry, got off on a tangent. My strept swab came back negative.
So they released me. and guess what my diagnosis was on discharge......SORE THROAT!  WHAT???!%%

I could have told him that, oh wait, I DID!!  So he sent me home with cough suppressant script. Whatever!

So I still have my cough, and it is in my chest and I can't lay down because all I want to do is cough.  I hardly have a voice, which Rob will say is a good thing!! HA.
So I have said my rant and my peace.  It sucks being sick. I am not liking it still, and will never accept this.  I try to stay positive, but it can be hard as I have said before.  As this comes to an end in the next few weeks, I find that I am caving into all the symptoms of this chemo.  ONLY ONE MORE!! And hopefully no more ER visits.

Psalms 41:6 "The Lord sustains them (me) on their sickbed and restores them (me) from their (my) bed of illness"
My God will make me well!

Love to all,

observation in the waiting room

As I was waiting to be called back for my chemo treatment on Tuesday, it was more busy than normal.  I noticed ladies and some men, and they looked really sickly.  I am thinking, wow do I look like that??
The ladies all had their hats or scarves on like me but the look on their face, just looked bad. 
I hope I don't look like that, even when I don't feel good.

I hope that when I feel bad, like tonight and I am sure the rest of the week, that it doesn't show to much on my face.  I want others to see me in the good and not the bad. I will keep my bad at home.

So as I try to get through these last few treatments, I will try to keep my smile on and my head up.  I will try not to get snippy or take it out on everyone, (maybe hehe).  I am going to try to keep daily life normal as I can with all of this going on.

2 Cointhians 4:6: " Let light shine out of darness, made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ."

Love to all,

forgiveness

OK, I feel compelled to write today after church.  I got my word today from God from my Pastor Andy.
He said "we are to be the aroma of Christ."

Question:  Do I smell like Christ??
Answer:  Well I thought I did, but here is how you tell.  Are you patient, gracious, loving FORGIVING?
Well I fail in the last one, forgiving. (I'm sure I am not totally 100% good with the others too).  When I say I'm sorry, am I sorry in my heart or just in my words.

I was talking with my mom last night about some things and a certain person and I told her I forgave this person.  But did I really?  Did I just say the words and not forgive in my heart?
I know now.  My answer is no I don't smell like Christ. People will say to me, I can hear it now, Yes you do.  You are a witness through your sickness.  Others tell me that I am a witness by my strength and positive attitude with my cancer and treatment. But this is just one part of my life, not my whole life.  I need to recognize my faults and try to make them better.  I am human I know, and my God knows this.  This is why he teaches me these little lessons everyday. I realized today that I am still bitter in my heart for this person.  I prayed, hard, for God to take this from me and for me to be really be forgiving.  So far he is still working on me, but nevertheless, it is slowly going away.  I can't say that I am bitter now, just my human side wants to hang on to it.  You know we all like a little drama!  I am sure at some point I will be able to say with all my heart, I'm sorry.

So as I go about my daily life, I want the aroma of Christ to be on me. I want others to see and "smell" Christ. I pray that I am salt and light to this world, to the people who see me and those I see and talk too.
The Bible says some will receive my witness and others will reject it.  But I need to have ALL the qualities of Christ, not just the ones that I want and think are easier.  God never said it would be easy, in fact, He said it would be hard.  People will reject me and curse me.  Not an easy thing to take, but I know what I have in the END.
As I pray, I ask God to forgive me and to  help me forgive.  As I say it, I need and want to mean it in my heart.

2 Corinthians 2: 15 -17: For we are the AROMA OF CHRIST to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life.  Who is sufficient for these things?  For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God's word, but as me of SINCERITY, as COMMISSIONED BY GOD, in the sight of God we SPEAK IN CHRIST.

Love to all,

sing and praise in this world of sadness

So I have been following on facebook about Lane Goodwin.  Well for those who don't know him, he was a 13 yr old that had cancer.  If you followed them on facebook, his mom would post about his progress with childhood cancer, her trials, his trials, and pictures of him.
As she posted pictures, as a nurse, I could just watch and see that he was loosing his battle with cancer.
As a mom, I could not even imagine having to go through loosing one of my children.
It helps me understand what my parents may be going through with me.  Even though I am (cough) 44  yrs old, I am still their child.  So it must be hard for them to watch their "baby girl" deal with sickness even though I AM GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!

I pray that the Goodwin family has peace now, and for them to have strength to go on.  It looks like they have a lot of support.  I know I couldn't go through any of this with out my friends and family support.
So remember them in your prayers.  Even though he may be well known throughout the "facebook" family, there are many others dealing and surviving cancer of all ages.  My Mom is a 17 yr survivor of breast cancer, I am a 4 month survivor of breast cancer, granny Faye is a <1 month survivor of brain cancer and I can go on and on.
I am reminded of old hymns lately and one that stands out to me is "leaning on the everlasting arms". I can remember singing this in church when I was young but never really understood.  Now I can relate and understand it and it means so much more. "Leaning, Leaning, safe and secure from all alarm.  Leaning, Leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms."
Oh now my mind is just singing away.  Another favorite I just got reconnected with at Beth Moore conference is (and sing with me if you want), "Victory in Jesus, my Savior forever.  He sought me and bought me with his redeeming blood.  He loved 'ere I knew him and all my love is due him. He plunged me to Victory beneath the cleansing flood."
Praise Him!!

Love to all,

The race for the cure

Today I had the great opportunity to walk with some great women.  Not only women (and one man!! Ha) that I knew, but women who are going through and have been through breast cancer.  It is amazing how much this affects others and their families.
I walked but couldn't finish.  Sad that I am that out of shape, but that is what happens with this. I will never look at another person going through this type of treatment and think that they need to eat better or should be exercising.
I SHOULD BE DOING THESE THINGS!!  But the exhaustion of just doing your every day life takes hold of the tiredness, and the weight gain, well that comes from the drugs you are taking.  Sad, Sad, Sad.

Well there was a wave of pink at Irquois Park this morning and it was great.  To all the women and families that are going through this or may go through this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

Psalms 119:74: Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice, because I have hoped in your word.

I had the time of my life....

Well as the song goes, I had a great time at Orang Beach,AL.  It has been almost 10 yrs since Rob and I have taken time off and went somewhere. This was the perfect place.  Not to many people there. Beach quiet and relaxing. And Hot!. I got sunburned the first day and got razzed for it!. Well I got my revenge because Rob and Erin GOT BURNED!!! So bad for them because it was worse than mine.
When we went out for dinner the host ask us if we were from TN. We told him no KY and he said he thought it was north.  I guess the pale sunburned skin gave it away!
We are now on our way back to our normal life, back to work and school. I will remember these few days always. I already want to move there. I don't think it will happen though. Evidently you have to have alot of money to live there! Houses are 1.5 million!  Oh well I can dream.

love to all, 

vaaa-caaa!!

Day one on vaca!!! it is sooo amazing. We have been on the beach all morning and have seen some wonderous things.
1. a bird swooped down and picked a fish out of the ocean right in front of us!!
2. we saw dolphons!!
3. we saw a huge crab in the ocean and yes they do walk sideways
4. we saw a sting ray swim rught past our feet

God has blessed me so much with his wonderous world how can I complain??
I can't. so we are going to lunch now and I'm sure I will have lots to tell you later.

How great is our God!!
Love to all,

WOW, what a doozy!

Well this week has been a real treat, (hear the sarcasm yet??),  My treatment has really laid me up this week.I have experienced so much nausea that I came so close to puke. So much that I can't eat anything for fear of seeing my puke!  So much neuropathy in my hands, that I can hardly hold my water or rub Ty's back, so much in my feet and legs that I can't sit or lay still to relax or sleep.
Just the overwhelming feeling of not feeling good and life still has to go on.
I mean, I have so many that depend on me and I need to do things.  I mean I should say, I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS.  I don't want this cancer to take away the joys I have.

So I pressured through my girl scout troops halloween party on Thursday.  It was so much FUN!  These girls are the best.  They always give me a smile.  And as I promised, here is my princess costume....

So I look kinda normal.

Then on Friday, I pressured through taking the kids to their youth group bonfire.  No I didn't stay, but I had to pick them up to.  Erin's friend stayed the night at our house that night. And really after Igot home from picking them up from the bonfire, I don't remember much, I went to bed on phenergan, hoping I can get to sleep and not throw up.

Hey God, when I started this, I thought I asked to keep the nausea down some. Well HE did answer one request, no vomiting. (at least not yet).  So I know he does listen to me and answer my prayers.

So today has been a lay around the house on the couch, watching tv/movies day.  I did venture out with Erin to Penny's because she "needed" a new pair of shoes.  And while I am on my little shoe outing today, it seems that I am a magnet for people who want to take donations for breast cancer.  REALLY, do they not think that I already have given to the cause?? (just by the way I look??)  I guess not, because when I say no thank you, I already gave, they look at me like I am lying.  Whatever, they will never know what I am going through, and I don't have enough strength to take this battle.  AND our Susan G. Komen walk is next Saturday OCT 13th. I hope everyone can come.

I am starting to eat and hold it down, WHOO HOO!!  These big chemo weeks are getting worse and worse.  Thank goodness I only have 2 more.  DID YOU HEAR ME??? 2 MORE BIG ONES!!

So my strength comes from the LORD (and knowing I am going to be on the beach soon to relax!). 

So as I leave you today, 2 Samuel 22:2, "The lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer."  I know this trial will soon be over and another chapter in my life will begin.

Love to all,