A lesson learned

Well, I figured out Friday that I really need to listen to my body and state of mind.  Yup, you guessed it.  For those of you who know me, I did over think my capabilities and tried to do more than I could.  That's me.

I got my "big" chemo treatment last Tuesday and was totally expecting the same thing to happen as last time. It didn't.  It was all different. I was so tired from Wednesday to Friday that all I did was lay in bed and sleep.
Then on Friday, I was so nauseous, I took phenergan, which helps, but makes me sleepy and slept all day again to get ready for work.  I just knew I could work.
You see, in my "Autumn's" mind, I try to work mind over matter.  I mean, if I can think my way to feeling better, then I usually feel better.  I have done this when I get sick, get a headache, or just don't feel good.  And it usually works (I would say 95% of the time).
Well with this chemo thing, it doesn't work that well.  I would have to say it doesn't work AT ALL!

So I got myself ready for work and even drove into to work.  I had to stop twice thinking my stomach was going to come out my throat.
When I got to work, everyone was worried.  I don't like to make my friends worried.  And guess what they did???? Yup, SENT ME HOME!! How dare them.  I just sat there right in the middle of the nurses station and cried.  I felt so bad and thought I could (and still think) that I can do it all.  Guess what, I can't.  God is telling me to not try.  I need to let him take care of me.
Well, I made it home and took my meds, and went to bed.
Today is a little better, but still feeling very yukky.  My scalp is sore (from my hair falling out) which it is continuing to do.  I will be hairless soon. My feet and lower legs hurt and ache from neuropathy that I was told would happen with chemo. It seems vicks vaporub on them helps, I tried it last night and it diminished the pain some.
New diet:  popcicles!! OMG!! they are the bomb-diggity right now.  orange and grape!

So tonight, we are celebrating Rob's birthday and having tacos. I think I will dare and try one.

I cannot make it through any of this without knowing first:
1. God is in control
2. the love and support of my family and friends
3. Rob's neverending support and love for me and the kids
4. Tyler's backrubs
5. Erin's sweet songs I hear her sing (when she thinks I don't!)
Matthew 6:33, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Love to all

my new hairdos

Well I have one more post today.  My trial with cover ups.  I am not sure about them.  After showing what I look like with out one, I may just go rogue and not wear any.  But here are pictures of what I have so far.  No wig pictures, I really don't like them still. I guess I just don't know how to wear them. You just can't put them on and go, like I thought.  I am a true wig virgin so I am planning a trip with mom to the wig stores to see if they can teach me a thing or two about them.

see ya,
love to all,

beauty lesson

My beauty lesson happened yesterday. My hair has been falling out since Thursday. So I decided to take charge and not let this "C" take control of my life.  So I took control and Rob cut my hair.  Or I should say Buzzed my hair off.
Before I did this,I was so nervous.  It upset me that I was going to loose my hair. I don't know why. Why is your hair so important. I thought about this and I guess my answer would be that it is our security, we find strength in it.  Kinda like Sampson. God told him to never get his hair cut, it was his source of strength.  In a way, it can be ours too.  What is the first thing most people notice, your hair. So..... I bought 2 wigs and scarves to cover up my head.  But now that I have taken this into my own control, I am not so nervous or upset about it.  I guess  you can say that I have accepted it. I posted my pictures on my facebook and the response was so overwhelming positive.  I really didn't expect that.  I really don't know what I expected but not this.
So now with the help of my family and friends, I see my new self in a different light.  I guess you all made me see myself through God's eyes, as His beautiful child.
So as I always look to God and  his wonderful words for encouragement, He has told me in Colossians 3:10 "and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the IMAGE of its Creator."
So here are the pictures I promised: Here's the before from last Sunday, one week ago.

Here I am showing you how I was just pulling out my hair literally with my fingers going through my hair.

Here we go!!! I got my sock it to cancer sock monkey shirt on!  LOL

almost done....

AND HERE I AM!!
Love to you all

a new chapter started....

ok can anyone guess what this is??? Well I will tell ya, it's my hair in the bathroom sink.  Yup, it has started.  My hair is starting to come out.  It doesn't look like it on me, but yesterday and today, it has started.  I can just run my hands through my hair and it comes out every time!
So I guess by next week you all will have the joy of seeing my baby head!! haha.  Rob wants to shave my head now.  I don't know what his rush is??? I think he is liking the idea of my bald head.

So for now I will just remember what the Bible tells me:  First is: God has a sense of humor:
In Leviticus 13:40 it is written, "if a man's hair falls out from his head, he is bald; he is clean."
He also is caring:
But it also says that the hairs on my head are numbered and God knows them all.  So I guess he is counting them as they fall out as I am. hehe.

So pray with me and for me as I journey through this time.  I am very nervous about this.  I guess because it is going to change my appearance so drastically.  I am not sure how others will respond and how I will respond to them.
So if I get a little teary eyed, just bear with me.  I will get through this with you all.  (and with the support of my scarves and wigs!! :) )


love to you all

renewal!

Well, this is the start of my renewal weekend last night here in Knoxville and it has turned out to be something wonderful. God is working in so many womens lives here, all 14,000 of them!

Last night I asked God for a word and this is my answer.
conformed: Romans 12:1-2 says: "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be CONFORMED to the world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect".

We all have times of testing, I know here lately I have had my share.
Like dealing with all the effects of this chemo and not really knowing each day what is going to happen. But I trust that I know I will get through this each day no matter how trying it may be.
Like, knowing when I feel ugly and unattractive, God will be looking at me as beautiful.
Like, when I am at my worse an feeling bad, I know God will be there to help me.

Word of advice I need to remember: 2 immodium is too much!! and don't think I won't be telling my nurse Tracy this!!!


with love,

GI, GI, GI. YUK!

Well my symptoms have started after just one dose of the chemo.  I don't know what I was expecting.  I guess I thought it would take a few doses before I would really start to feel like crap.
I feel queasy, no appetite, stomach cramps.  When I eat, it doesn't taste good and then I get queasy all over again.  Even my McDonald's coke doesn't taste that good!!
It is going to be a looonnnnggg 18 weeks (oh wait 17 more to go!)
Thank goodness for zofran and phenergan! it helps.
I pray I get through this when I actually have to get dressed and go to work.  I pray my symptoms will hold off until I get home so I can get through my tasks at hand when I am away from from home.

So for now it is applesauce and noodles. And I have come to like applesauce again!

So I leave you with this:
John 14:1 Jesus says: "do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me."
I believe that God will take care of me and my family and all my symptoms and discomforts.  He may not take them away and I have to go through this, but he will be carrying me through it and wiping my brow when I hurt.

love to you all

First Chemo done!!!

I got my first day of chemo done.  Yea if over!! I was so nervous, but Tracy my nurse, she was so calm and upbeat.  She got us through it.  And I thought I could talk, boy she was a talker!  It helped a lot to keep my mind of things.
So of course I always have problems or delays.  That's the Chapman way!  The nurse from last week at my doctors visit didn't send my chemo prescription for pre-approval so they had to do that first.  It took 2 hrs to do this.  Once they started my meds, it was 11:30!!  I didn't leave until 4:30!  IT was a long day.

At least this won't happen anymore.  Tracy took care of it all.
I keep waiting for something to happen, like any second now, but I just feel normal.  I guess I should be thanking God for that right now.  Because once the side effects start, I will be wishing them to go away.
Dr. Hargis said I probably won't feel anything until about Friday or Saturday, So that will be good.

My next 2 visits won't be as long, she said about 1 1/2 hrs since I will only be getting the one med these next 2 visits.
Last night I was so exhausted I went to bed at 7:30! but I couldn't sleep, finally asleep at 11:30! with the help of some phenergan  :)  I swear my eyelashes were falling out last night. I kept feeling them fall on my cheek and in my eyes. Rob said I was crazy!  But this morning they are all there!.

Hannah and Beth from my girl scout troop brought me a gift Monday night.  It was the greatest.  A t-shirt with a sock monkey (they know I love sock monkeys!) with pink (my favorite color) and it said sock it to cancer.  I wore it my first treatment.  Everyone loved it.

 Keep praying for courage and strength.  I know so far it hasn't been to hard, but I think it will be coming soon.
Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gently and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Love to you all