My daisy

 Daisy, a flower of happiness, hope. At least when I see them, they make me smile, make me happy. I need happiness. Reminders to smile.

I have been holding off on this post. It has taken me awhile to wrap my mind around everything that I have experienced in the last few weeks. To get my thoughts straightened out. 

A few weeks ago, I had my annual mammogram. Ever since I have gone through my cancer treatment in 2012, all my annual mammograms have come back normal. So why would this year be any different.

On January 19th, I got a call that afternoon after my mammogram. She starts off with this..."Have you see your mychart results?"  I say no.  Then she says, "has your doctor called you?" So right now I am thinking, THIS CAN'T BE GOOD! She proceeds to tell me that my mammogram is abnormal. There is a area of density and asymmetry that is concerning. She wants me to come back for a repeat mammogram and ultrasound.  I am sure she said other things, but I didn't hear anything past that. Oh and it is in my other breast, not the side I had my cancer in.

I started to panic. All I could think about is, I CAN'T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! I gave into my fears, which I wouldn't recommend, and I panicked. 

I got my mammogram rescheduled, but it was 4 days later! How was I going to be able to wait 4 days before I know if it is something serious. I don't think I can wait. but I have to. I am at the mercy of their schedule. Don't they understand what someone that has gone through cancer can't wait for news like this? Don't they understand the torture it is to wait? Do they not understand how I can't stop thinking about this? No they do not. Because they have not experienced this.

So I wait. And wait. And wait. 4 days. All weekend that is all I can think about, talk about. I already had a plan so if it was positive for cancer, I already knew what I was going to do. And if it came back ok, I have another plan. That is just me, I have to plan, be prepared for the worse. Throughout all this, the hubs was the best. He wa a huge support for me to sound off my fears. And keep me calm.

I go back for my mammogram, and the nurse that I am, I took a quick look at the computer screen of my scan, and it didn't look good. So while I was waiting to be called for my ultrasound, dr.google helped me with understanding recurrent cancer, and feeding my fears more! I found out that recurrent breast cancer is in the original breast, if there is a new finding in the other breast, it is considered a new cancer, not recurrent. Great.(insert sarcasm)

I finally get my ultrasound done and the doctor said that it was a cyst and and it is benign. I was relieved, for a moment. The my report came out. It said: mammogram, low density mass noted! Mass! I am freaking out once again. Ultrasound said benign cysts and fibrocystic changes in the left breast. This is good news for now. But all I can think is that this is how my cancer started. I had fibrocystic changes and repeat mammograms, and follow up ultrasounds for repeated years before finally one day, it wasn't good, and I was told I had cancer. So I don't want to do this again.

I made the decision to talk with my doctor about it and my options. I want to pursue a preventive mastectomy with reconstruction. So I see my doctor this week to discuss this option. I hope this would be considered and supported by her. This would help me gain control and hopefully, prayfully, I will not have to go through the fear of cancer again in my life.

So, I will keep you posted. Those facing fears that you think you would never have to face, I say to you, stay strong. It isn't weakness to feel fear, but you must overcome it. I am working on this, and feel that with the support of family and friends, I can. 

I have my smile, my daisy.

John 14:27; Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Love to all,