acceptance

 

Acceptance. That is a hard word sometimes. Especially when it is you that has to accept- whatever it is. For me it is accepting that I have to heal myself before I can move forward. I think a lot of us is that way. We try to take the shortcut or wide road when we need to stay on the narrow path.  The narrow path may feel like a balance beam, so narrow, but it is worth the trip. 

I had my doctor appointment last week. It was very eye opening. My doctor is the best. She is so understanding and forgiving. She understands where I am coming from and my fears of cancer, even if I don't recognize them. She took the time to talk with me and my husband about how cancer is a trauma for me. I didn't realize it until now, that I have hidden the fear of it returning. I always thought that I have moved past this, the fear. But I guess I hadn't. It's like a feeling I have never had before, so I didn't know what to do with it. But she said it is called trauma. And I must seek help for this first. 

She is open to support me in doing whatever I want, even if that includes surgery. But she said if I do not fix this, that fear will always be there and I will never get over it, even if I had the surgery. Oh, she said my scans were normal. She broke it all down, all the medical big word terminology and helped me understand what I was reading. (having my reports readily available in my chart for me to see before my doctor can talk to me is another story. I am not happy about this and I am sure that it has caused many others anxiety, like me.) 

So I value her openness and transparency with me. She recommended counseling first to identify my triggers, learn how to manage them and my fear. Then if I still feel this way about surgery, she will be right there with me.

Friends.....MENTAL HEALTH IS NO JOKE.  Take care of yourself. It is not something that is funny or something that will go away. If you are in your mind and feel you can fix yourself, like I always feel like I don't need anyone's help, you are wrong.  

    We all  need help. Self care is important, but this also includes counseling if you need someone to talk with. 

I am going to give it a try. Counseling. I have to admit, I feel silly. I have never had to do this. I don't know what the fear is of talking to someone. Maybe they will see the real me? Maybe they will see me cry (ugly). Or maybe I will just find out something about myself that I don't want to know.  10 years ago I had to submit to help when I was sick.  Help from my family to care for me and friends who supported me with meals and kind words. I thought I was back to being so independent and being the strong arm for others. But do we ever get to a point in our life where we do not need help? 

And don't think I feel I am alone. I am not. I lean on Jesus and he helps me. Daily.  But sometimes we just need a person in front of us that Jesus is going to use to help us alone on this earth. 

The easiest path is not always the best. We must work towards loving ourselves first before the healing can begin. Accepting what is needing attention is the narrow path to healing. 

Matthew 7:13-14 NIV

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Love to all, 

My daisy

 Daisy, a flower of happiness, hope. At least when I see them, they make me smile, make me happy. I need happiness. Reminders to smile.

I have been holding off on this post. It has taken me awhile to wrap my mind around everything that I have experienced in the last few weeks. To get my thoughts straightened out. 

A few weeks ago, I had my annual mammogram. Ever since I have gone through my cancer treatment in 2012, all my annual mammograms have come back normal. So why would this year be any different.

On January 19th, I got a call that afternoon after my mammogram. She starts off with this..."Have you see your mychart results?"  I say no.  Then she says, "has your doctor called you?" So right now I am thinking, THIS CAN'T BE GOOD! She proceeds to tell me that my mammogram is abnormal. There is a area of density and asymmetry that is concerning. She wants me to come back for a repeat mammogram and ultrasound.  I am sure she said other things, but I didn't hear anything past that. Oh and it is in my other breast, not the side I had my cancer in.

I started to panic. All I could think about is, I CAN'T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! I gave into my fears, which I wouldn't recommend, and I panicked. 

I got my mammogram rescheduled, but it was 4 days later! How was I going to be able to wait 4 days before I know if it is something serious. I don't think I can wait. but I have to. I am at the mercy of their schedule. Don't they understand what someone that has gone through cancer can't wait for news like this? Don't they understand the torture it is to wait? Do they not understand how I can't stop thinking about this? No they do not. Because they have not experienced this.

So I wait. And wait. And wait. 4 days. All weekend that is all I can think about, talk about. I already had a plan so if it was positive for cancer, I already knew what I was going to do. And if it came back ok, I have another plan. That is just me, I have to plan, be prepared for the worse. Throughout all this, the hubs was the best. He wa a huge support for me to sound off my fears. And keep me calm.

I go back for my mammogram, and the nurse that I am, I took a quick look at the computer screen of my scan, and it didn't look good. So while I was waiting to be called for my ultrasound, dr.google helped me with understanding recurrent cancer, and feeding my fears more! I found out that recurrent breast cancer is in the original breast, if there is a new finding in the other breast, it is considered a new cancer, not recurrent. Great.(insert sarcasm)

I finally get my ultrasound done and the doctor said that it was a cyst and and it is benign. I was relieved, for a moment. The my report came out. It said: mammogram, low density mass noted! Mass! I am freaking out once again. Ultrasound said benign cysts and fibrocystic changes in the left breast. This is good news for now. But all I can think is that this is how my cancer started. I had fibrocystic changes and repeat mammograms, and follow up ultrasounds for repeated years before finally one day, it wasn't good, and I was told I had cancer. So I don't want to do this again.

I made the decision to talk with my doctor about it and my options. I want to pursue a preventive mastectomy with reconstruction. So I see my doctor this week to discuss this option. I hope this would be considered and supported by her. This would help me gain control and hopefully, prayfully, I will not have to go through the fear of cancer again in my life.

So, I will keep you posted. Those facing fears that you think you would never have to face, I say to you, stay strong. It isn't weakness to feel fear, but you must overcome it. I am working on this, and feel that with the support of family and friends, I can. 

I have my smile, my daisy.

John 14:27; Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Love to all,