It's that time

Well, it's that time.  Time for me to let go.  Let go of my kids to the world.  Let go of them to be on their own. Let go to let them make their own decisions and pray that Rob and I have taught them well enough.
I pray that they will make good decisions when faced with pressure to do something they do not believe in.  I pray they will make decisions based on their faith and love for God. 
Graduation was the first step.  They move from being high school kids to being college adults all within one hour.  I am so proud of what they have accomplished and I know they will do more in their life.
It is so hard to let go.  I have had these wonderful kids for 18 years!  It is scary for me as a parent to have them on their own, independent, making their decisions with out me to help guide them.  I have to let go.
I have them for the summer then on August 26th, they go out into the real world, college.
I am excited for them to experience the world, but I know what is out there in this world and sometimes it isn't pretty.  They have had some experiences through out their lives so far but it will truly be a wake up call when they go to college.
My kids have been so wonderful in their support for me.  Through all my difficult times, they have loved on me. They never backed down when times were tough or scary.  This is my faith and confidence that I know they will survive.  I know God will be there with them and with me.  My next faith walk will be this trial of me letting go.  I have done this somewhat with having faith that God will protect them when they are out driving or out with their friends.  This is how parents get prepared for them to leave, these baby steps.
BUT, I am looking forward to having my house back.  My  house to do whatever and whenever I want!  And more date time with my man! Yes I am sure I am going to miss them, a lot, but they are not far from me. 
My life has been so good so far and I have received so many blessings.  I can't wait to see what is to come!

Love to all,

taking my life back

My life before cancer, I was very stressed, worked waaay too much and didn't take care of myself.  I got sick and it was a true life eye opener.  I quit my second job and started to take care of myself.  Went through treatment and now I am 2 years cancer free!!
So I am starting to go back into my old habits.  NO I didn't get another job, but I feel I have put a lot on my plate.  (my eyes are always bigger than my stomach!). I am working, in school for my BSN, trying to spend time with my girl scouts, and making sure my family knows I love them and they are important.  I feel my relationship with Rob, Erin and Ty are the best it has been. 
So you know there is a but coming.........
But, I have failed my heavenly father.  I have not put Him first and foremost in my life.  It seems that once he healed me, I went on with my life and my bad habits.  I have forgotten what he did for me.
So I am going to change.  I NEED to put him first in everything I do. 

I have been asked to be a guest speaker at one of my friends church in March at their women's group event.  I am so honored that she feels that my story of faith is worthy to speak to others about.  I am worried about what I am going to say and how.  I have faith in Jesus and trust that he will pull me through whatever I encounter. I have had many people come and tell me that I have inspired them through out my journey.  I hope that I can continue to do this.  I feel that all the obstacles I have faced, closed doors and victories are from my Jesus and I have many more stories to tell and more stories to encounter.

So as I write this speech, pray for me to have the right words to say.  Pray for me to have confidence and to not have fear come on me. 
And most of all, pray that I WILL NOT CRY!  For those of you that know me well, you know I cry at a lot of emotional times.  I just can't seem to hold it in.  And I don't cry pretty either.  So for the benefit of these women, I need to not cry.

Psalm 27:1, "The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?"

Love to all,

family

I learned something today, family is everything.  This is me and my memaw.  She doesn't remember much because of her alzheimers.  But on her good days she does remember me.  Nothing should come between you and your family.  There should always be understanding and love.  My aunt died Saturday.  I was close to her at one time in my life, but we let things, disagreements come between us.  The last few months of her life, I feel like we were starting over and forgiving, loving each other.  But a few months were not enough.
No one knows how much time they have on the planet.  No one knows when Jesus will return to take us all home.  So while we are here, we must tell those we love everyday what they mean to you and that you love them.
My cousin described his mom as a "storm" and he was right.  She was.  And that is how I always saw her.  But I was able to see her as a different person today through talking to others and listening to stories of her adventures.  I wish I knew this part of her too. Like, I learned that she drove cars fast!  Like racing cars on the road.  Who knew?!!
I have also learned that differences you have with others are not just between you and that person.  It affects everyone around too.  I have to rebuild my relationships with my cousins now.  I feel we are on the start of it, but I know it will take time. Today he hugged me and whispered to me, I am glad you didn't die.  I haven't spoken to him in a long time, since before I got sick with cancer.  I too am glad I didn't die! In more ways than one, but I feel God has given me this second chance at life and I need to quit playing around and take my life serious.  This is it.
I was honored that in her funeral plans, she chose me to read the poem I read at my grandfathers funeral to read at her funeral.  Yes I did crack and show myself and cried like a baby.  But I got through it.I know she is happy now and living gloriously.

Don't Cry For Me Today
Don't cry for me today,
I wouldn't want it this way.
Be strong and smile,
for you will see me in a while.
I know you miss me,
but now in Heaven I will be.
Do not keep your sad face,
I am in a much better place.
Do not let your tears fall,
for I cannot wipe them all.
Yes, my life wasn't long,
but I'm begging you to be strong.
Live every moment as if it were your last,
I won't forget any memories that have passed.
Cherish life and love as I watch you from above.
As I remember all of the good things,
I come to see I have gotten my wings.
It is time to go and fly,
as your guardian angel I will try.
Don't cry for me today,
I'm on my way.
Soaring through the sky,
I watch all of you telling me goodbye.

RIP Twana Gayle Deweese

Love to all,

made it another year!

So glad the dreaded mammogram is over and IT WAS CLEAR! Praise God.  So another year, clear, cancer free.  Now off to stressing over other things, like my kids growing up!  They went to the homecoming dance last week and they are not kids anymore, they are young adults.  And I am mixed about them leaving for college next year.
We are touring Vandy, Asbury, Western and Bellarmine so far.  I would love for one of them to go to Vandy, you know I just loooove Nashville and it would give me an excuse to go there!!
but I want them to be close to home so they can come home anytime.
So here is the upside and downs of them leaving:
I will have my house back all to myself!
no more toting them around town
Date night more frequent!
OR:
I miss them terribly!!
the house will be too quiet and lonely
I will miss toting them around town

This year is going to be a great year watching them grow into young adults and moving on.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."  Romans 8:26

Love to all,

Here we go again

It never gets any easier.  And I know it never will. 
                Yearly mammograms.
Today is my mammogram.  Fear has a funny way of popping up when you don't want it to.  I know I will be ok.  I am not afraid of recurrent cancer because I know what to expect.
That is the problem....I know what to expect.  I don't want to go through what I had to go through 2 years ago again.  It was a hard time in my life.  I think the hardest I have ever had to experience. 
So at 1 pm today, I will be felt up, squished and smashed and receive my radiation to see if I remain cancer free. 
So I will lay all my fears and anxiety at Jesus' feet and let him carry my burden.  That is what gets me through my trials and when satan tries to bring me down. 
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

Love to all,