I have had an experience of lack of faith and have taken things into my own hands. Well it all started when I was obsessing over the side effects of my medication tamoxifen. So I decided to go off of this medication in October. And as like all of my non-compliant patients, I became one of them. I cancelled my appt with Dr. Hargis my oncologist and thought, "I am finished with all this cancer stuff." What I should have done is call Dr. Hargis and talk with him first but I took things into my own hands and thought I knew better. I went for my GYN doctor appt and told him what I did and he pretty much told me I was grounded and I was wrong. I went back on my tamoxifen in December and have since spoke with Dr. Hargis.
So now I am a good patient again. I have had all questions answered and clarified. The biggest one was why would you give me a medication that can cause a secondary cancer when there is other options like estrogen suppression therapy which would be remove my ovaries. I have to take this tamoxifen because my cancer was estrogen receptive positive. Dr. Hargis really didn't like me doing my own research about my medications or cancer. But that is what a prudent nurse, hummm, patient is suppose to do. I went on reputable web sites and the information was the same.
Dr. Hargis directed me to look up "soft trial". This trial essentially was about looking at women on tamoxifen only and women who had their ovaries removed on aromatase therapy. It was very promising and I have a date to talk with Dr. Pridham again about possible surgery.
So I am back on my meds until I know something different and I hope it will happen soon. Nothing will get in the way of my trip to Honduras in March. So if need be, it may have to wait til I get back. I just hope I don't turn into a bigger fat cow than I already am. I have been referred back to weight watchers which I will probably start next week. Not happy about that.
I am still using my complimentary therapies also, and it has helped with stress reduction.
Lack of faith is not trusting God to get me through this. I don't know when I lost it, but I need to give it all to Him to make it in this life. Sometimes God sends us people in our lives to give us a kick in the butt, mine was Dr. Pridham.
2 promises from God that help me right now:
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
AND....
Proverbs 3;5-6; "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
Love to all,
Friday, December 25, 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
Trying to be in control
If you know me, and most of you do, I like to be in control. I like to be the boss. I want to be in control and sometimes I feel I have to be in control of everything in my life. When you start to take control, things just don't work out like you planned. This is me. You would think that maybe I would have learned after 48 years of life that I AM NOT IN CONTROL!!!
I have been praying, crying, pounding fists, temper tantrums but it all goes back to I must stay out of God's way for my life. But as a human, this is hard.
As of 2 months ago, I came off all of my "cancer" medications! I made this decision, took control. I am tired of being defined by cancer. Cancer is a piece of my life. Exactly, 16 months of treatment and then 2 more years of "maintance" out of my life. It feels like a life time but if you put it in perspective, it is just a piece. So now I am going to put it all behind me and look to the future. I have this piece of experience that helped me grow and hopefully my story will help others. But this does not define me.
Now I am looking ahead. I am giving it all back to God. He will be my light, my guide in this life. I sure do need help giving up the control. This is going to be a lot of work, for God especially. I am sure if God could ground me I would be in time out all the time. Once I put my courage and trust in God, I know my life will be back on the right road.
My next step in this courage walk is following God's will in missions. It has been 5 years since my first trip. I remember being so afraid but once I trusted God, that fear was gone and I was able to live. I remember being more happy, my life less stressful.
As I read my Bible, and the many promises that God has given me, this one stands out today for me.
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to the completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV
AND another one...
"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving oyu an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1Peter 2:21 NIV
Love to all,
I have been praying, crying, pounding fists, temper tantrums but it all goes back to I must stay out of God's way for my life. But as a human, this is hard.
As of 2 months ago, I came off all of my "cancer" medications! I made this decision, took control. I am tired of being defined by cancer. Cancer is a piece of my life. Exactly, 16 months of treatment and then 2 more years of "maintance" out of my life. It feels like a life time but if you put it in perspective, it is just a piece. So now I am going to put it all behind me and look to the future. I have this piece of experience that helped me grow and hopefully my story will help others. But this does not define me.
Now I am looking ahead. I am giving it all back to God. He will be my light, my guide in this life. I sure do need help giving up the control. This is going to be a lot of work, for God especially. I am sure if God could ground me I would be in time out all the time. Once I put my courage and trust in God, I know my life will be back on the right road.
My next step in this courage walk is following God's will in missions. It has been 5 years since my first trip. I remember being so afraid but once I trusted God, that fear was gone and I was able to live. I remember being more happy, my life less stressful.
As I read my Bible, and the many promises that God has given me, this one stands out today for me.
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to the completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV
AND another one...
"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving oyu an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1Peter 2:21 NIV
Love to all,
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Faith and Trust...test again
Faith and trust. Throughout my life it has been put to the test. Well, here I am again. Erin and Tyler are going to college next week. Next Wednesday to be exact. 0800. In a dorm. On their own. Without me.
I have to let go. I have to have faith in God and trust he will protect them. Trust they will make the right decisions. Trust they will be responsible. Pray and trust God that others will not hurt them.
I am scared. But excited for them. And me. This is new beginnings for all of us.
My new beginning....I get to see them grow even more. It seems this summer we have grown so much closer to each other. I cherish this time and our new relationship.
So to keep me from loosing it and breaking down, I have thought about the perks of them going to college:
1. more dates with Rob!
2. My house will be clean
3. No dirty dishes on the counter
4. less laundry to do
5. I can walk around in my underwear!
6. I can exercise without an audience
7. I can watch what I want on TV (well that may be a stretch, Rob is still here)
8. I don't have to plan dinner every night
I still think about how the house will feel with them not here, but they are just an hour away. I will miss them terribly, but that is just because I love them so.
Eleanor Roosevelt said "you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." This is what my family is doing right now. All of us. Looking fear in the face. And it will be defeated.
Jesus said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you sill have no faith?" Mark 4:40. He calmed the storm and the waves for them. He will get us through this storm.
Love to all,
I have to let go. I have to have faith in God and trust he will protect them. Trust they will make the right decisions. Trust they will be responsible. Pray and trust God that others will not hurt them.
I am scared. But excited for them. And me. This is new beginnings for all of us.
My new beginning....I get to see them grow even more. It seems this summer we have grown so much closer to each other. I cherish this time and our new relationship.
So to keep me from loosing it and breaking down, I have thought about the perks of them going to college:
1. more dates with Rob!
2. My house will be clean
3. No dirty dishes on the counter
4. less laundry to do
5. I can walk around in my underwear!
6. I can exercise without an audience
7. I can watch what I want on TV (well that may be a stretch, Rob is still here)
8. I don't have to plan dinner every night
I still think about how the house will feel with them not here, but they are just an hour away. I will miss them terribly, but that is just because I love them so.
Eleanor Roosevelt said "you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." This is what my family is doing right now. All of us. Looking fear in the face. And it will be defeated.
Jesus said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you sill have no faith?" Mark 4:40. He calmed the storm and the waves for them. He will get us through this storm.
Love to all,
Sunday, June 7, 2015
It's that time
Well, it's that time. Time for me to let go. Let go of my kids to the world. Let go of them to be on their own. Let go to let them make their own decisions and pray that Rob and I have taught them well enough.
I pray that they will make good decisions when faced with pressure to do something they do not believe in. I pray they will make decisions based on their faith and love for God.
Graduation was the first step. They move from being high school kids to being college adults all within one hour. I am so proud of what they have accomplished and I know they will do more in their life.
It is so hard to let go. I have had these wonderful kids for 18 years! It is scary for me as a parent to have them on their own, independent, making their decisions with out me to help guide them. I have to let go.
I have them for the summer then on August 26th, they go out into the real world, college.
I am excited for them to experience the world, but I know what is out there in this world and sometimes it isn't pretty. They have had some experiences through out their lives so far but it will truly be a wake up call when they go to college.
My kids have been so wonderful in their support for me. Through all my difficult times, they have loved on me. They never backed down when times were tough or scary. This is my faith and confidence that I know they will survive. I know God will be there with them and with me. My next faith walk will be this trial of me letting go. I have done this somewhat with having faith that God will protect them when they are out driving or out with their friends. This is how parents get prepared for them to leave, these baby steps.
BUT, I am looking forward to having my house back. My house to do whatever and whenever I want! And more date time with my man! Yes I am sure I am going to miss them, a lot, but they are not far from me.
My life has been so good so far and I have received so many blessings. I can't wait to see what is to come!
Love to all,
I pray that they will make good decisions when faced with pressure to do something they do not believe in. I pray they will make decisions based on their faith and love for God.
Graduation was the first step. They move from being high school kids to being college adults all within one hour. I am so proud of what they have accomplished and I know they will do more in their life.
It is so hard to let go. I have had these wonderful kids for 18 years! It is scary for me as a parent to have them on their own, independent, making their decisions with out me to help guide them. I have to let go.
I have them for the summer then on August 26th, they go out into the real world, college.
I am excited for them to experience the world, but I know what is out there in this world and sometimes it isn't pretty. They have had some experiences through out their lives so far but it will truly be a wake up call when they go to college.
My kids have been so wonderful in their support for me. Through all my difficult times, they have loved on me. They never backed down when times were tough or scary. This is my faith and confidence that I know they will survive. I know God will be there with them and with me. My next faith walk will be this trial of me letting go. I have done this somewhat with having faith that God will protect them when they are out driving or out with their friends. This is how parents get prepared for them to leave, these baby steps.
BUT, I am looking forward to having my house back. My house to do whatever and whenever I want! And more date time with my man! Yes I am sure I am going to miss them, a lot, but they are not far from me.
My life has been so good so far and I have received so many blessings. I can't wait to see what is to come!
Love to all,
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
taking my life back
My life before cancer, I was very stressed, worked waaay too much and didn't take care of myself. I got sick and it was a true life eye opener. I quit my second job and started to take care of myself. Went through treatment and now I am 2 years cancer free!!
So I am starting to go back into my old habits. NO I didn't get another job, but I feel I have put a lot on my plate. (my eyes are always bigger than my stomach!). I am working, in school for my BSN, trying to spend time with my girl scouts, and making sure my family knows I love them and they are important. I feel my relationship with Rob, Erin and Ty are the best it has been.
So you know there is a but coming.........
But, I have failed my heavenly father. I have not put Him first and foremost in my life. It seems that once he healed me, I went on with my life and my bad habits. I have forgotten what he did for me.
So I am going to change. I NEED to put him first in everything I do.
I have been asked to be a guest speaker at one of my friends church in March at their women's group event. I am so honored that she feels that my story of faith is worthy to speak to others about. I am worried about what I am going to say and how. I have faith in Jesus and trust that he will pull me through whatever I encounter. I have had many people come and tell me that I have inspired them through out my journey. I hope that I can continue to do this. I feel that all the obstacles I have faced, closed doors and victories are from my Jesus and I have many more stories to tell and more stories to encounter.
So as I write this speech, pray for me to have the right words to say. Pray for me to have confidence and to not have fear come on me.
And most of all, pray that I WILL NOT CRY! For those of you that know me well, you know I cry at a lot of emotional times. I just can't seem to hold it in. And I don't cry pretty either. So for the benefit of these women, I need to not cry.
Psalm 27:1, "The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?"
Love to all,
So I am starting to go back into my old habits. NO I didn't get another job, but I feel I have put a lot on my plate. (my eyes are always bigger than my stomach!). I am working, in school for my BSN, trying to spend time with my girl scouts, and making sure my family knows I love them and they are important. I feel my relationship with Rob, Erin and Ty are the best it has been.
So you know there is a but coming.........
But, I have failed my heavenly father. I have not put Him first and foremost in my life. It seems that once he healed me, I went on with my life and my bad habits. I have forgotten what he did for me.
So I am going to change. I NEED to put him first in everything I do.
I have been asked to be a guest speaker at one of my friends church in March at their women's group event. I am so honored that she feels that my story of faith is worthy to speak to others about. I am worried about what I am going to say and how. I have faith in Jesus and trust that he will pull me through whatever I encounter. I have had many people come and tell me that I have inspired them through out my journey. I hope that I can continue to do this. I feel that all the obstacles I have faced, closed doors and victories are from my Jesus and I have many more stories to tell and more stories to encounter.
So as I write this speech, pray for me to have the right words to say. Pray for me to have confidence and to not have fear come on me.
And most of all, pray that I WILL NOT CRY! For those of you that know me well, you know I cry at a lot of emotional times. I just can't seem to hold it in. And I don't cry pretty either. So for the benefit of these women, I need to not cry.
Psalm 27:1, "The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?"
Love to all,
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