eye opening

 

Eye opening. That's what I call it. So, I am supposed to look into counseling. I look for a counselor with NCI and can't find any. I tell Robby that and he says that I am trying to get out of it. Well, there is a part of me that doesn't want to do it. The thought of having to talk to a stranger about my problems doesn't excite me. But is it supposed to be? Probably not. So I am looking more into it and guess what? You may not know this (or may know it and are thinking, Autumn are you that dumb?), BUT they are not listed as counsellors...they are psychiatrist. I have to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. This is getting a little much for me. I need to slow down and think about this. 

...thinking....thinking...thinking...hmmm...hmmm...OK,

I will do anything once. So I will make my appointment (next week) and see when they can get me in. Wish me luck!

Proverbs 16:3; Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

Love to all,

acceptance

 

Acceptance. That is a hard word sometimes. Especially when it is you that has to accept- whatever it is. For me it is accepting that I have to heal myself before I can move forward. I think a lot of us is that way. We try to take the shortcut or wide road when we need to stay on the narrow path.  The narrow path may feel like a balance beam, so narrow, but it is worth the trip. 

I had my doctor appointment last week. It was very eye opening. My doctor is the best. She is so understanding and forgiving. She understands where I am coming from and my fears of cancer, even if I don't recognize them. She took the time to talk with me and my husband about how cancer is a trauma for me. I didn't realize it until now, that I have hidden the fear of it returning. I always thought that I have moved past this, the fear. But I guess I hadn't. It's like a feeling I have never had before, so I didn't know what to do with it. But she said it is called trauma. And I must seek help for this first. 

She is open to support me in doing whatever I want, even if that includes surgery. But she said if I do not fix this, that fear will always be there and I will never get over it, even if I had the surgery. Oh, she said my scans were normal. She broke it all down, all the medical big word terminology and helped me understand what I was reading. (having my reports readily available in my chart for me to see before my doctor can talk to me is another story. I am not happy about this and I am sure that it has caused many others anxiety, like me.) 

So I value her openness and transparency with me. She recommended counseling first to identify my triggers, learn how to manage them and my fear. Then if I still feel this way about surgery, she will be right there with me.

Friends.....MENTAL HEALTH IS NO JOKE.  Take care of yourself. It is not something that is funny or something that will go away. If you are in your mind and feel you can fix yourself, like I always feel like I don't need anyone's help, you are wrong.  

    We all  need help. Self care is important, but this also includes counseling if you need someone to talk with. 

I am going to give it a try. Counseling. I have to admit, I feel silly. I have never had to do this. I don't know what the fear is of talking to someone. Maybe they will see the real me? Maybe they will see me cry (ugly). Or maybe I will just find out something about myself that I don't want to know.  10 years ago I had to submit to help when I was sick.  Help from my family to care for me and friends who supported me with meals and kind words. I thought I was back to being so independent and being the strong arm for others. But do we ever get to a point in our life where we do not need help? 

And don't think I feel I am alone. I am not. I lean on Jesus and he helps me. Daily.  But sometimes we just need a person in front of us that Jesus is going to use to help us alone on this earth. 

The easiest path is not always the best. We must work towards loving ourselves first before the healing can begin. Accepting what is needing attention is the narrow path to healing. 

Matthew 7:13-14 NIV

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Love to all, 

My daisy

 Daisy, a flower of happiness, hope. At least when I see them, they make me smile, make me happy. I need happiness. Reminders to smile.

I have been holding off on this post. It has taken me awhile to wrap my mind around everything that I have experienced in the last few weeks. To get my thoughts straightened out. 

A few weeks ago, I had my annual mammogram. Ever since I have gone through my cancer treatment in 2012, all my annual mammograms have come back normal. So why would this year be any different.

On January 19th, I got a call that afternoon after my mammogram. She starts off with this..."Have you see your mychart results?"  I say no.  Then she says, "has your doctor called you?" So right now I am thinking, THIS CAN'T BE GOOD! She proceeds to tell me that my mammogram is abnormal. There is a area of density and asymmetry that is concerning. She wants me to come back for a repeat mammogram and ultrasound.  I am sure she said other things, but I didn't hear anything past that. Oh and it is in my other breast, not the side I had my cancer in.

I started to panic. All I could think about is, I CAN'T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! I gave into my fears, which I wouldn't recommend, and I panicked. 

I got my mammogram rescheduled, but it was 4 days later! How was I going to be able to wait 4 days before I know if it is something serious. I don't think I can wait. but I have to. I am at the mercy of their schedule. Don't they understand what someone that has gone through cancer can't wait for news like this? Don't they understand the torture it is to wait? Do they not understand how I can't stop thinking about this? No they do not. Because they have not experienced this.

So I wait. And wait. And wait. 4 days. All weekend that is all I can think about, talk about. I already had a plan so if it was positive for cancer, I already knew what I was going to do. And if it came back ok, I have another plan. That is just me, I have to plan, be prepared for the worse. Throughout all this, the hubs was the best. He wa a huge support for me to sound off my fears. And keep me calm.

I go back for my mammogram, and the nurse that I am, I took a quick look at the computer screen of my scan, and it didn't look good. So while I was waiting to be called for my ultrasound, dr.google helped me with understanding recurrent cancer, and feeding my fears more! I found out that recurrent breast cancer is in the original breast, if there is a new finding in the other breast, it is considered a new cancer, not recurrent. Great.(insert sarcasm)

I finally get my ultrasound done and the doctor said that it was a cyst and and it is benign. I was relieved, for a moment. The my report came out. It said: mammogram, low density mass noted! Mass! I am freaking out once again. Ultrasound said benign cysts and fibrocystic changes in the left breast. This is good news for now. But all I can think is that this is how my cancer started. I had fibrocystic changes and repeat mammograms, and follow up ultrasounds for repeated years before finally one day, it wasn't good, and I was told I had cancer. So I don't want to do this again.

I made the decision to talk with my doctor about it and my options. I want to pursue a preventive mastectomy with reconstruction. So I see my doctor this week to discuss this option. I hope this would be considered and supported by her. This would help me gain control and hopefully, prayfully, I will not have to go through the fear of cancer again in my life.

So, I will keep you posted. Those facing fears that you think you would never have to face, I say to you, stay strong. It isn't weakness to feel fear, but you must overcome it. I am working on this, and feel that with the support of family and friends, I can. 

I have my smile, my daisy.

John 14:27; Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Love to all,

Courage

 

Are you chicken? Afraid and just living life on the edge? straddling the fence? Teater-totting, not knowing which way go....the easy way, which takes no effort, or the hard way, which takes courage. I have been there. Especially with covid. But you know what? It is time to move forward. Time to put your past behind you. Put all your worry, anxiety, struggle and move forward. 

How do we do this? Courage. You have it. You just have to dig deep and take that step....that leap.

Is it scary? Hell yeah, it is scary. We all that that one thing (or if like me, a million things) that scares you. It can be something small, like talking to someone (that one really cute guy!). Or something big, like taking a trip alone, or moving out on your own (or like me, having your children move out!). 

But once you do it, once you show courage, you will be relieved, and happy you did.

Courage is my word for this year. Courage to move forward and not look back. I choose a word each year to live and push myself towards. I have had many words of the year in the past, and have continued them into a second year sometimes. (Joy was really hard and took me 2 years to get to!). 

I choose this word, Courage, because I find myself not reaching out, not reaching my potential, because of fear. I seek Courage to step out in faith and trust God to guide me. To talk to people, open myself up to others.  Reach out to those in need and be willing to accept the help when I need it. To seek those opportunities as they present themself to me and not be afraid to move forward. 

This is how we do it....a little at a time. And by the end of this new year, we will be COURAGEOUS! 

Are you in? Ready for a new year? What is your word? What are you going to strive for this year?

I am and I and ready for what comes my way. I am strong and Courageous.....hear me roar!

“Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”

Joshua 1:9

Love to all,

Quiet quit

 

Have you heard of this? Quietly quitting. From what I understand, you just do your thing and you ignore everyone else. You don’t help, participate, go out of your way to help. Just do the minimum. 

Sometimes I feel that way but that is not what we are called to do. It’s hard to keeping put your all in when others do not do the same. I have done this…quit the gym  but it isn’t a quiet quit, I straight up did it and sometimes I will visit. It is a love/hate relationship that I need to work on! 

God gave us all a gift. Everyone has a different gift. But if you quit on the gift that God gave you, then you are quitting on yourself. God said to give ourselves fully. So this means teaching our kids to never give up. Being a leader and showing others to persevere through it all. Giving grace to those that just seem to have trouble getting it. Setting that example for others to follow. 

I have always said this and I will say it again…it starts with one. That one is you. You would never give up on your family or your kids. You keep at it. You do this because you want them to succeed. This applies in everything you do. 

So when you feel like quitting , remember, God will never quit you. He is always cheering for you, supporting you, holding you. He will never leave you. 

Deuteronomy 31:8  The Lord himself goes before and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. 

Love to all,