Reflection and memories

Sorry I have been MIA lately. A lot has been going on and it just seems that when I think that I am about to the surface, I get pulled back under once again. It isn't one thing, just different areas in my life all happening at once.

But today, it was hard. You see, my best friend died Sunday. Today we laid her to rest. Lee, oh excuse me, Leandra, has been through alot. (I have always called her Lee, but as she got older, she always corrected me and insisted I call her Leandra!) 

Well, as I reflect on her funeral and burial today, all those memories of our life flooded back to me. I want you to know who this wonderful lady was and keep her memory alive. She was my first friend. We were born 3 months apart, in 1967, and she never let me forget that she was the oldest. That is until we started to get older, then she didn't want to think about her being the oldest. She was very competitive and liked being first. She got her car before me, her drivers license before me, she was married first and had her baby before me. She even was a memaw before me! She loved it and I loved that we had that little competition between us. 

She loved nature and the outdoors. She would fish and hunt and always call me soft because I wouldn't shoot a shotgun.  Well I admit it, I am soft. I don't want that bruise on my shoulder from the kick of the gun! I remember going to her house and she would be nursing some wild animals, like racoons or possums to health. She couldn't let a stray cat go hungry, so they all knew where to go. She loved her dog and cat, cesar and fat cat, I didn't like that dog, he was mean to me!

Growing up, we would have so many slumber parties, staying up all night, then trying to stay awake on Saturday mornings to watch Shawn Cassidy in the Hardy Boys mystery show! We would sing Dolly Parton songs, like Joellene, then later sing to ACDC and REO Speedwagon. And these were all by records or cassettes. You may have to google that if you don't know them!

She was the one that taught me how to parallel park. Well I don't think she taught me, because I struggled with it after her lessons! 

Lee was full of life and didn't take and shit from anyone. She was a reckoning to be dealt with. Sometimes scary.  Oh, wait, I just remembered something else and I can't help from laughing as I type. One day, (one of the many days when my family would go to  her house to visit), we were outside at dusk by the street light. Yes, this was when we would stay out all day, then wait for our parents to holler at us to come inside. I think we were about 13 or 14 at this time. We were out there because of a really cute guy that lived in her neighborhood. He didn't know me and we thought we would play a trick on him. So she told him I was her cousin from a different country and I didn't speak English. OMG, we had him going and he believed us, that is that night. The next time we saw him, we had to tell him we were tricking him. Well, we never talked to him again. I guess he didn't like that!

We did get into a lot of trouble, especially when we were at our papaw Wix's pay lake. We would have water fights, and trash the bathrooms with water and papaw would get so mad. He would try to whoop us but we would just run away. That is until he told our parents and then we got in trouble AND had to clean it up!  

I remember one time, we tried to trick grandma, and we went out to the cow pasture and took a dried cow patty and put it in our back pocket. We then walked around for a while with that in our back pocket to see how long grandma would notice it. Well, it didn't take her that long, and I can hear her now saying "get that out of the house!" She would try to be so serious but I know she was laughing after we ran out. She always joked and said that she was going to find us our husband and he would be a farmer just like papaw. Well that was not good, because we wanted someone like Andy Gibb!

I have so many more memories and I won't bore you with them. We talked about life and so many things. As she started to get sick, it was harder to talk with her. I could tell our relationship was not as close as before. But I know we loved each other. I know she had those same memories. I know when we talked or texted, she loved me and I loved her. 

I am not saying goodbye, but saying see you soon. Because I know where she is. She is without pain, she is not laid up in the bed, but she is dancing and singing. And when it is my time to leave this earthly pit, I know that she will be there greeting me at heavens gate. With her beautiful long, red hair and her sassiness! 

I leave you with this, 

John 14:1: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me"

Revelation 21:4: ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Love to all, 

Me time

I can do it. That is what I kept telling myself. And sometimes I have to tell myself this everyday! I can do it, I can do today, I am strong. Well, I AM strong! And I should not let anyone tell me any different.

This past week I was an overcomer. I had to overcome a lot and I challenged myself in activities that I never thought I would be able to accomplishment.  Let me start from the beginning.

I went on vacation with my daughter to Colorado Springs. She made all the plans of activities and we had a fabulous time. I want to share my experience with you and let you know that you too can be an overcomer.

Day one: we went to the Garden of the gods. I would recommend that to everyone. It was magnificent and amazing to see the wonderful nature that God has given us. You just can't put it into words and I couldn't stop looking up at the rock formations. It truly was amazing. Then we went off trail and hiked the trails around the rocks. That was an experience. I am a 56 yo women with my young athletic daughter hiking trails. She was patient with me and let me take breaks and walk slow at times. And I was slow. I pushed myself and I did it! 

Day 2: we went to the Gorge and rode the gondola. We were 12,000 feet above the ground. There was this false sense of security because we were enclosed in the gondola. But it was a beautiful site to see below.  Along the side of the river is the train tracks!

Day 3: This was the test! We went to 7 falls and it was beautiful as well. I found out that I have a tendency for panic attack with heights. We had to climb the very long, see through stair case to the top. Half way up I realized how far up I was on this rickety stairs, and I start to panic. I made it, but when at the top I realized the only way down is back down those stairs! My daughter thought a hike through one of the trails at the top of the falls would keep my mind off of that and give me a break from the stair climb. So off we go! We decided to take the trail to the top, they called it inspiration point. So on our way.....up...and up.... I had to start my HR monitor on my watch because I could feel my heart pounding and HR go up. I checked and it was in the 170's!! I was giving myself a stress test!! Well, needless to say, I didn't make it up to the top. My daughter was very understanding. We got almost to the top but not quite to the top. She turned around and went back down with me. I think I gave her the excuse to come back down! It was a tough hike!  (the picture below is the steep trail!)

So now, after the hike, we made it back to the falls and those dreaded stairs. I took a deep breath and started down. My daughter was behind me and she was a big help. She told me to look at my feet, don't look up and she would guide me. She would say "step, step, step, step," to keep a cadence and keep my mind off of how far up we were.  Well, I MADE IT!! 

OVERCOMER! That is what we both did. My daughter had a panic attack the day before when we had to watch across the suspension bridge at the gorge. She said that today, she had to be the strong one because we couldn't both have a panic attack at the same time! 

(the bridge going down)

This was a great trip. I did a lot that I didn't think I would do. I survived hiking, heights and very long walks. 

God's creation is so beautiful and must be experienced. Whether it is on vacation or just in your back yard. Look with intention and  see what is around you. You will not be disappointed. 

Psalms 139:14: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Love to all,

Vacay!

I am super-pumped and super-excited about this week! Not only is it Independence celebration weekend, but it is also the long weekend I have a girls trip with my girl! She has some exciting sites we will see when we are in Colorado. It isn't long enough but I will enjoy every minute! I will report out next week!

You know, we all need to slow down and enjoy our family and friends, enjoy life. Life is too short to be bothered with all the busy work of house cleaning, pool cleaning, bathroom cleaning. I guess you can tell I don't like to clean! But also this includes work. If you have a job that takes you away from your family and time enjoying life, then you need to evaluate this. NOTHING should be taking you away from time spent with yourself or your family, kids, spouse or S/O.  Not even making/canning pickles.

So I encourage you, and I need to be more consistent with my own advice. I am a work in progress. Here is it (the advice I was talking about):

1. Take time to look around at the beauty and colors in this world. See the beauty in everything.

2. Clock out when your work day is done. 8 hours. or 12 if you are a nurse! Your job will be there tomorrow with the same work waiting for you.

3. Put down the electronics. Be present and in the moment. Get off social media, turn off the TV.

4. Take joy in the small things. A laugh, a good meal, a touch or hug. And even an encouraging word or text (hint, hint to my kiddos!)

5. Give love and grace to all. We are all human and sinners. We are all doing this thing called life. And you know what. LIFE IS HARD.  With each others support, we can do.

And finally,

6. Pray in all things. The good and the bad. Touch base with God daily. The first thing you do before you start your day is say "Good morning God". Read his word and be lifted up. 

I guarantee that if you do this, you will be a better person and be more positive. Isn't that what this world needs? More positivity and love.

John 13:34-35: "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another". This verse is considered a defining aspect of the Christian faith, calling for love that is selfless, humble, and forgiving.

Love to all, 

Are you empty?

 As I am cleaning my pool, I notice that the water level is low. I can't turn the pump on because it makes this crazy sucking noise, like it is gasping for a breath! So, I have to get the water hose and add more water to it in order to run the pump and clean it. 

How many of you feel like this is your life? You are so empty and not sure how to get filled. We fill our time with social media, games, computers and wonder why we feel the way we do. There is no human interaction anymore. No one wants to call to talk to me, it is all through text messages...at arms distance.  We all need human interaction. So many times I have encountered people, distressed, and when I ask if I could pray for them and I place my hand on their shoulder, I can feel their tension. Then, some times, they reach out for a hug or handshake, and that touch means a lot. It says, I care, I am not afraid be human. 

I hear that a hug/human touch helps people with depression and illness. I know that when I hug someone or hold their hand, I am not only helping them, but I get that support as well. You can't help it when you are giving a hug, they will hug you back! I always say, that if I am going to hug you, I will not let go until you are ready. So there have been times that when I have stood there for what seems like an eternity, just giving that love and support. 

I have started to begin my day with God. A short devotion with the verse of the day on the youversion bible app. It doesn't take long, but it sets me up for the day. Helps me focus on positive things and connect with God before I even walk out of the house. Now, I am not going to lie, I am human. I have let things get to me and I do get frustrated. Sometimes, I will just take my lunch break and go for a quick 10 minute walk. The sunshine is a great mood changer and it is great to be alone, away from computers to just think and absorb the nature..birds singing, the bright colors of the trees and grass, cars roaring on the highway! And you are outside, so if you need to let it out, yell. No one will hear you, unless you are in your neighborhood. You may get the neighbors talking. 

I just read that June is Men's mental illness month. Mental illness month IS every month. So many of us experience depression, anxiety, or PTSD and have not identified it yet. We just think it is normal because we have always felt that way. As I have gotten older, I have come to realize it isn't normal and we all need to care for each other. I have experienced so many co-workers and friends commit suicide and I did not even know their struggles. Why didn't I see it? 

John 3:30 says: He must become greater; I must become less. This means that I must empty me of me, in order to fill up with Jesus. We cannot continue in the paths of self-destruction of negativity, self hatred, speaking negative self talk to myself. We cannot continue with actions that hurt us not only physically, but mentally. We must empty our minds of this and allow God to speak to us. This is how I fill up before I am even allowing myself to fill up with any negative thoughts...Go to God Daily. 

The evil one will not like it and will fight for you. The road is tough, the fight and battle is even more hard, but once you get to the other side, there is victory. 

Take notice of things and people around you. Get your head up and look straight ahead. Stop looking down at your phone or computer and take notice of those around you. You may be the only one with the courage to say, how are you and really mean it or offer to them...do you need a hug?

Philippians 4:6-7 in the Bible says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". 

Love to all, 

The fear of cancer

 

First, I AM OK.  It seems I have to keep letting everyone know that I am ok. (and myself). Sorry but this will be a long one, it has been 4 months!

It has been a rough last month.  I am sorry I have not kept up my messages, but it just seems like time gets away from me, and then the enemy tries to knock you down!

Just to update those who may not know my journey. In 2012, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was 44 years old with two 15 yo at home. It was a hard time for a year and a half. Surgery, chemo, and radiation were my treatment, but I was able to remain positive and lean on God through it all.

Fast forward....I have had all good checkups, mammograms, and no issues since. Last year there was a little scare with my mammogram "showing something" but it was all benign. 

Since I developed COVID-19 in December, I couldn't get rid of this nagging cough. then a few months ago it just got worse. So bad that when I would cough, it would turn into a coughing fit and bronchospasm. Sorry to say that in my old age, I may or may not have peed a little! So after much pushing from the hubs, I went to the doctor and she had me get a chest x-ray. I thought I had pneumonia. But the next day she calls and tells me that they see something in my right lung and the radiologist is recommending a CT scan.

FEAR sets in. You see, if you are someone who has gone through cancer, the biggest fear you have is that your cancer returns or you get it somewhere else. My doctor calls this PTSD. I thought only those who went through war would get this, but it is ANY traumatic event. I always thought I made it through and survived cancer and I would be ok. But it never leaves you, never leaves your mind. It always lingers in the back of your mind. This is called trauma. It shows up in many different ways for some people. For me, it is this. 

So I had the CT and it showed 3 nodules in my left lung. They couldn't rule out infection so we developed a treatment plan. I am starting to get used to having a treatment plan. If you know me, you know this is true....I already had a plan for what I was going to do if it was positive for cancer. I had it already mapped out. But this plan for now was take a steroid pack, and antibiotics, then once that is done, get a PET scan.  So that is what I did. I had the PET scan this past week and had to wait 2 days to get the results.WAITING IS HARD! Like I said, it is all good. One of the nodules is gone, and the other two have decreased in size. So the radiologist said it was infectious and inflammation. 

I prayed so hard. The hard part was that I didn't want to worry my family, so we just kept it between me, the hubs, and the kids. When my doctor walked in to tell me and hubs, I don't think she realized how stressful this time had been for us. She immediately saw Hubs sitting there and urgently said, it is all good. Then she pulled it up and explained the results. Doctors just don't realize how stressful things are with their patients at the time they make us wait. 

I am sure this is not going to be the last time I get a "scare" with my health. And I am sure it isn't going to get any easier for me or my hubs. I pray it is the last time. I don't think my BP could handle any more fluctuations going up and down! I do go back for a follow up CT in August. And I know I will be on pins and needles for this, but I will just take whatever comes my way.

Some things about being a patient that I realized with me:

• I am a baby when it comes to IV and needle sticks..and they hurt like the dickens!
• The CT scan and PET scan table is hard as a rock!
• When they say the contrast from the CT scan will make me feel warm, they are not lying! But they do need to warn of the feeling of like you peed yourself. I thought I was going to need a new pair of pants before I went back to work! I literally had to double check to make sure everything was dry.
• There is nothing that can help with the waiting.
• Empathy is big with patients. You never know what they are going through.

Deuteronomy 31:8 in the Bible says, "The LORD himself will lead you and be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you, so do not lose courage or be afraid"

Love to all,